I'm back.

My 3rd insemination didn't work and now I'm onto my 4th.

I haven't written for a while as I couldn't bear to hear the sound of my own words, besides I had nothing new to say. It's been like a painful, lonesome groundhog day.
But I'm here to say, 'I'm back' - with my sense of humour - and not a minute too soon. It was a dark land.

I needed to get my head around the concept that just because life dealt me a shitty card in terms of a relationship does not mean the pay off will be that I'm going to sail through the horrendous world of trying to get pregnant alone without having to fight for my sanity. Or in other words, I got 2 shitty cards, deal with it! I have a handle on that now and as a result I'm entering back in to the real world.

This time I'm much more relaxed (I didn't cry for 24hrs which is a good start!). They told me the sperm sample was the best I've had yet and I'm being a really good girl, no drinking or smoking, no caffeine, no lifting - no life - no, I'm kidding (ish). Just for the record I rarely drink or smoke, but no caffeine and taking life easy, that's tough! I'm not imagining for a second that this will make it work as I really understand that being a good girl guarantees you nothing in this life, but it won't hurt to do the best I can. I will still get just as disappointed, and just as sad, and just as cross but what am I to do?
Keep trying - that's all.

I'll move onto IVF in Jan which is something I never wanted to do both physically and financially - obviously - who'd want to spend £5k a pop to feel like a hormonal freak?

I'm pretty sure I will get pregnant but it may take a while, so in the meanwhile I'm going to do my best not to ruin my life. I'm going to be kind to myself and not give it too much brain space. There is absolutely nothing to be done that I'm not doing.
It simply sucks and that's all there is to it, but at the end of the day all it is, is time. (And stacks of cash...).

p.s. I'm off to play on the Alps for 3 weeks, always helps!

Take 3....

Today I cried.
Very unlike me, I am not a 'cryer', but today I couldn't stop.
I cried waiting for the train.
I cried at the hospital (so much so that the nurses put me in my own waiting room because they said it wouldn't do for people to see me so upset - odd I thought.)
I cried as they did the insemination and I cried all the way home.
I want to know how my life ended up with me waiting, on my own, in a decrepit train station, going to a crumby hospital, for an insemination that probably won't work?
Lonely isn't the word, desperate seems more fitting.

Who d'you call when you fall off your bike?

I'm almost loathed to write at the moment because I feel like a moaning Minnie and no-one likes a stream of negativity less than me. But as I write this diary essentially for myself I'm going to tell it like it is.

Today it sucks!

This morning I had a nasty bike accident, I went over the handlebars and under a car because a man stepped out in the road without looking. He walked around me, sprawled on the road, shouting 'Not my fault!' without even stopping to see if I was OK. Physically I'm fine, a bit sore and bruised but horrified that there are people that low in this world. After getting myself home, I had a 5 minute self pity weep and then wanted to talk to someone, but reaching for the phone I realised I didn't want to call a girlfriend. I was really shaken up and wanted to feel protected, to have the proverbial 'arms around me'. I wanted to call a man.

Being single at my age feels so wrong. I'm devastated that my life has turned out like this and that I'm having to try for a baby alone. Nature did not intend it this way and it feels like an unbearable burden at times. If I have a baby alone and I get injured, what then?

100 times over I could have 'gotten pregnant' in my 8 year relationship but I don't believe in that kind of behaviour.
So where has my integrity got me?
I couldn't stay in fruitless relationship, I'm not prepared to forfeit being a mother and I'm 39.
I feel trapped by circumstance and I don't feel deserving of it.
What did I do to create this hell?
'Just bad luck' seems too glib an answer.

This mountain's higher than I thought..

There's no going back and the summit is higher than it looks.

Literally the moment I allowed myself to hope I felt those familiar pains.
This journey turns out to be one of the hardest things I've ever done and I'm not a stranger to struggle. A combination of wanting something SO badly and having no control, it being on my mind 24/7 and not being able to talk about it. Oh, and just for a bit of extra tension, the sound of that time clock gently ticking in the background....

As I write I realize that there are far worse things going on in the world, but as we know if you let things rattle around your brain without release you risk turning into a self-interested idiot. Hence this diary. A desire to release my madness into the world in a way that I won't bore those close to me, to death.

I think the root of the problem is that I thought it would be different for me. I thought that because I don't have fertility problems it would work quicker for me. I thought that because I seem younger than I am I'd fool my ovaries into not being almost 40.
I thought I was different, and I'm not and I don't like it.

Also I'm coming to terms with the fact that there's no respite.
I considered taking a month off just to give myself a break but I quickly understood that the discomfort of waiting a month would be equal to the stress of trying again.
I haven't lost faith in any way but I guess I'm just understanding this baby may take a while and the process is draining, depressing and expensive. All of this and with no back up, must be a good training for motherhood, no?

Note to self - stop being a miserable cow and remember the positives;
I got trashed on Friday, I'm about to have a deliciously hot bath and I'm going to a pilates class tonight, all banned whilst on the 2WW !

The audacity of hope?

Obama's in (hallelulyah) and asking us to have the audacity to hope. Meanwhile I'm doing my darnedest not to hope and it's killing me.
Things definitely feel different this time but it could be anything and I'm analysing every twinge.
I really don't want to hope but I just can't help it.
Maybe I should go with it and except the pitfalls?

Take 2

(She's in Havana and a visit is said to ensure your fertility)

After all my whining last week I ovulated on Sunday so I went for 'take 2' on Monday.
It was a totally different experience, I felt much better about the doctor that did it, she took literally 2 minutes and it was completely painless in every way.
I'm much more positive about this one, somehow it felt right.
So here I am re-entering the 2 WW but feeling so much more chilled this time.
Watch this space....

Confessions of a replicant.

Do you ever stop to wonder how many different facets there are to life, the realm of things that a stranger could be experiencing and feeling at any one moment. I don't think it's possible or desirable to do so, but the reason I ask is that I could never in my wildest dreams have imagined places I've gone, literally and emotionally, whilst on this crusade.

I'd better give some background to this rant.

I've elected to do this thing naturally, based on the fact that I'd studied my cycles and everything seemed fairly straight forward. But of course since then every cycle has been totally unpredictable and it's thrown my life into turmoil. It's looking like I'm going to ovulate on the one half day that makes it impossible for me to go for an insemination this month
i.e. ovulation Saturday pm, fertility unit shut Sunday, game over Monday. And I'm doubly frustrated as next month I'm out of town, so now I'm looking at a 10 week wait.
Suddenly this undercover hippy understands why all these women go for drugs - in a word - control.
(Yes, I'm a guilty as charged control freak, but I'll challenge anyone who claims not to be).

I'm also laughing at myself because I can hear my words, 'The wait's over, hurrah'.
How silly I am, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that whatever way you look at this project it's a catalogue of waits. Wait to get on the system, wait to get through the multitude of tests, wait to start trying, wait to see if you're pregnant, wait to try again, wait to see again, and so on till if you're lucky, the 9 month wait.....

Oh and by the way, whilst all this is going on you have to get on with your life and pretend to be a normal human being, hah, and that's the really tough part, because now you are a replicant, you're pretending to be a human but really you are just this weird woman who hasn't managed to achieve the one most basic human requirement. You look around at all the people who've done it without a 2nd thought or even by accident and you feel like a loser. At the end of the day we're animals, fancy ones maybe, but animals none the less, and the more I look the more I see that what matter are friends, family and food - 3 F's.
(There are clearly some other great F's not to be overlooked).

So this replicant wonders around with a 'Stepford Wives' smile on her face designed to cover up the obsessional thoughts that rattle around her brain. She gets on with her life but it has little meaning. She avoids her good friends because they are dangerous. They are the ones likely to notice the plastic face and challenge it. And she must not be challenged because the truth that their caring, smart, individual friend has been replaced by a self obsessed sub-human with only one topic of thought, dull to anyone but her, may be out....

So you see the problem?

Obviously I see the error of my ways and in truth, when I re-read my rant, it sounds worse than it really is. But the essence of the words are true. Of course I get joy out of life still, but it's muted. I don't think there is any way out of that, and when I speak to people that have gone through it they say the same. I have chosen this and I want this, it's just solitary and frustrating, that's all.

P.s The good news is that there's a small hope for Monday if my ovaries can just hold on!

1 down.

Even though I didn't expect it to work first time, now that it hasn't I want to pop pregnant people. Not in a horrid hurtful way, I just want them to go away like fairy liquid bubbles do when they land.

2 W W ...

Have you ever wished you could switch to an alternate universe? I have, often, and my advice is be careful what you wish for.
My sister told me last week that what got her through the minefield of 2 yrs of IVF was posting on a fertility web site. Against my better judgement I caved in and had a look at one last night.
Note 1
It’s all aimed at women in relationships having fertility problems. Fertile, single, hetro women are unrepresented.
Note 2
The site was completely unintelligible, I literally couldn't comprehend the testimonials for acronyms. I had no real desire to decipher them but one that kept recurring and bothering me was ‘2WW’. Eventually I got cross with this secret underworld and their codes and went to bed feeling like an inferior being.
As I drifted into sleep I had one of those epiphanies one sometimes has when your brain stops trying.
2WW = 2 Week Wait !
This is the name given to the alternate universe I now exist in.
It is one where you’re not allowed to smoke, booze or drink coffee. One where you can’t lift heavy weights, ingest chemical fumes or have hot baths. One where crazy things like eating pineapple cores are advised.
And all this for a 10-15% chance of being pregnant.
Adhering to all these restrictions is obviously some form of madness as under normal circumstances a ‘mother to be’ would have no idea what state she’s in at this early stage, and may well be living life as a drinking, smoking furniture removal lady having gloriously hot baths at the end of every tough day, all with no negative consequence to her future offspring.
But with knowledge comes responsibility.
Annoying, but to be fair this is all a nano price to pay.
Another symptom of this ‘2 Week World’ is that any tiny sensation felt within a 6 inch radius of ones navel is either your period about to happen or your future child implanting, depending on your mood. Again, patently a form of delusional madness that even level headed old me can’t exempt myself from.
So far I’m finding it quite amusing how the mind tricks one and I’m observing it with interest. I’m sure I won’t be quite so Zen a few cycles down the line, but that’s how it is today.

Ps I've failed to confess that I have completely redesigned my apartment in the last week and am having a new carpet fitted tomorrow. Long live distraction therapy.

Must not obsess.

The deed is done. It took 20 mins.
I wouldn't say it went smoothly, they struggled to get the tube through my cervix, which is apparently a bad sign because if the timing's right it should be open a little to allow for the egg to pass. It was also exceptionally painful, another bad sign, and I'm still sore this morning.
I laid down on the train all the way home (looking like a proper nut nut but it seemed like the obvious thing to do?) and spent the afternoon at home chilling.
Then I read on the Internet that your cervix closes after the insemination so nothing can escape thus the laying down was all in vain, but what a joy to spend the afternoon home watching DVDs.
Also for 3 days I mustn't raise my body temperature (i.e. have a hot bath) as it kills sperm. No prizes for guessing what I want more than anything in the world.
So now all I have to do is take it easy and get on with life as normal for the next fortnight....
Note to self: must not obsess, must not obsess, must not obsess, must not obsess, must not obsess, must not obsess......

Blue blistering barnacles..

My ovaries are being naughty!
After studying my cycles for the last 4 months in order to 'understand my body' (and let me tell you it's no thrilling task), it's decided to go freestyle this month. I'm secretly quite proud of it, how annoying to be completely predictable, I just kinda wish it had chosen another month.
Anyhow, I've been 'about to ovulate' for 3 days. Very strange. So I went for another ultrasound today and they've given me an injection to stimulate the egg to release. There goes my 'natural' attempt, oh well.
The good news is that after waiting for 3 days I'm over being anxious, so tomorrow 11am is D day (no.1)....

Scared but not running.

I went for an ultrasound today, they reckon I'm going to be ready for my 1st insemination in 3 days....
I'm currently experiencing a full spectrum of emotions and I'll attempt to list some;

The first one and the one shouting loudest is anxiety.
I have knots in my stomach.
I feel like I'm about to jump out of a plane.
This is clearly nonsense as I'm not skydiving, I'm trying to have a baby - I guess there is a free fall element in common.
I'm also worried about the inevitable failures as they say it's normal to try 6 times or more.
My jury is out on how to prepare for this one, plan A was to expect to fail and thus not get too disappointed, but thinking about it I believe in the power of belief, so could it affect the outcome if I doubt it's success?
I also suppose I'm dreaming to think I can swerve the disappointment.

Then there's relief - I made it - no more of the evil beast otherwise known as 'waiting'.

And probably most importantly of all, I'm silently and in the the most personal way, more excited than I dare to admit.

It's a strange journey, because as cool as I'd like to imagine I am (imagine being the operative word), this thing is all encompassing. They say that men think about sex every 10 seconds and I'm sure my thoughts drift here just as much. Don't get me wrong life ticks on and from the outside there's no neon halo reading 'lady waiting to be inseminated' (interesting visual though) but in reality everything else in my life is secondary - by miles. And whilst I've told a handful of people about what I'm up to, I've been non-specific about timing because I dread the questioning or telling folk month after month that it didn't work. It already feels like some weird judgement by the universe that I'm in this situation, so I'm going to torture myself as little as possible. The result of this dual life I'm leading is that I've withdrawn, at the exact time that I should be reaching out and pulling people close I'm retreating because I'm scared. And whilst fear is not an emotion that stops me in my tracks I do believe in tipping my hat to it as I go. Trust isn't my strong card and in difficult times my default position is to baton down the hatches and hunker down (interesting that the terms that come to mind relate to war). I just feel like I couldn't take a 'let down' just now and one thing I know for sure is that I can cope on my own - tried and tested - though not with a baby on board, it's true.

As I write I realise this doesn't sound healthy, but I think that writing this diary is both an exorcism and a method of seeing myself. Of course I will not do this alone because I have indomitable support but I do feel weary of those close to me. I feel like a mother protecting her cubs and I'm not even pregnant yet.

Yet again, I hope none of this sounds negative these are just the confessions of a scared and excited girl as she enters the 'Great Perhaps'.

Double hurrah!

Today I went for an appointment with the nurses just to run through the procedure.
Due to my age (apparently young, even though I turned 39 yesterday) and the fact I don't have fertility problems as such - just a man one - I get to start off trying 'naturally'.
So.... let's overlook the fact I bought my sperm on the Internet... and it'll be inseminated by way of a catheter and then I get to 'rest' in a room with my head lower than my feet for half an hour. It's odd but 'natural' is not the exact word that springs to mind.
That said, I'm super happy. I passed all the requirements and I start next cycle (given that I ovulate) with no hormone drugs.
Hurrah No.1.
And my sister is finally pregnant after trying for ages!
Hurrah No.2.

Ouch! But not a bad one.

It's an interesting one setting out on the road of having a baby alone because it begs the question 'Where does it leave you on a romantic level'?

I recently had an affair with a friend, a man I've known and loved for a long time - when I say loved I mean in a platonic way (apparently not completely). So for a list of reasons I won't go into we end up having a short affair. This is not casual sex, it's different, it's an affair with someone you love but know you won't end up with. He's a good man but lives in another country and more importantly we aren't going to fall in love. Under normal circumstances this would be a shame but throw my current situation into the equation and it becomes a bit of a wake up call.

I have spent the last 6 months coming to terms with the notion that I'm having a child alone, bracing myself for the job, accepting the downsides and let's not forget, the upsides too.
And then I end up, all be it briefly, in a loving situation with a man that really cares for me. Come flooding back the memories of what it's like to be taken for dinner, to have a man interested in me and being supportive. I'm reminded that there are good guys out there... Ooops.

I wouldn't change it for the world as I believe in living life and embracing it's ups and it's downs, but this has made me feel what I may be forfeiting - if only for a while.
It's tough being single, going to bed alone, dealing with life solo, not having a partner to bounce an idea off at the end of the day or simply to give you a hug when you need it.
(Note to self: remember all the downers too!)

I still realize the truly wonderful journey I am embarking on and I'm as deeply excited as ever, but I'd be dishonest if I didn't acknowledge that already it sometimes feels lonely. I also realise that by the very nature of what I'm doing I will likely ensure my 'singleness' for a while to come.
I write this diary for myself mainly, but also in the hope that someone out there may fell less alone if they are on, or will one day be on, a similar road.
This is not a poor me tale just another reality check.

What's going on in this world ?

Today I feel sad about my situation.
Actually it's not only my situation, it belongs to at least half of my girlfriends as well.
I look at them and I see gorgeous, smart, loving women and they are single, I am single, and it doesn't add up.
It seems to me that there is an epidemic of selfishness going on at the moment. The desire in men to protect and sacrifice seems to have gone. So many of the guys that I meet are only interested in themselves, they have no desire to have families, and why should they when they can wait now? Women are so independent we don't need them that much and it seems to me they are having a laugh at our expense.

Please don't misunderstand me, this is not a rant about how awful men are. I love men, I really do. I was brought up by one. I have male friends that mean the world to me. But there is definitely something going on and the fall out is women like me, in our mid to late 30's, who need some commitment and are too old and aware to pretend we don't.

I spoke this morning to yet another of my girlfriends who has left her man because she wanted the relationship to progress and he couldn't give her that because he didn't 'know his heart' - his words - the very same words that tortured me throughout my excruciating 2 year separation. This girl is a really special one (a common consensus) and I know he still loves her, but he 'doesn't know his heart' so he will let this rare gift go.
Will someone please help me to understand?
What do these men want?
I do understand that relationships breakdown but this is not what I'm describing.
I'm talking about some weird situation where there is love and lots of it, but there is a Peter Pan parasite on the loose. A virulent one! Yes, for a year things may be exciting in a new romance and there may be more sex but after that it will be the same.
How many wonderful women have I met in my situation recently, in good relationships until they asked for something and then they got stonewalled. They leave and the guys move straight on to a younger fresher model and one that won't ask for too much (for the time being).

I am sorry if this seems like an attack, it is not meant that way, I just feel sad and tired of being lonely and I want to understand.

Getting shrunk

So they send you to see a councillor, which is a good thing really.
It seems so strange that any old nutter can have a baby naturally, you must see a councillor once if you do it by donation, and if you adopt they come and virtually move in with you before you pass the screening process.
At first I was irritated, thinking that there couldn't possibly be anything that they could throw at me that I hadn't already considered at length. Actually this transpired to be true, but I like the lady alot and what I walked away with was the feeling that what I was doing was 100% right and not only I thought it, but a complete outsider, and one that deals with this on a daily basis, felt the same way too. That's nice feeling because, as we all know, our friends tend to be on our side by default, and if you are the persuasive character that I can be, there's always the nagging feeling that I have conned myself and my pals into believing that this a great idea when in fact there's a good reason it hasn't happened for me.
Yes, I know, that's the negative head talking but we all have one.
She gave me lots of info about support groups which I may or may not attend, I'm a little anti the whole sit in a circle and discuss our problems vibe, but maybe I should be more open minded. I can't imagine wanting to do that when I have a small handful of friends that I trust with my life and know me inside out.
Never say never.
So that's me to date. I have a pre appointment early Sept and I guess the ball rolls in Oct.
For now all's for me to do is enjoy the summer of freedom, tough........

When will this plane ever take off ?

Patience is a virtue, so they say. Grrrrr, is what I say.
I keep telling myself this is good training for being a mum.
I cannot afford to do this privately, nor do I want to, but sadly the down side to the NHS is everything takes an achingly long time.
Having made it to the peak of difficult decisions, I just want to run down the other side and I'm having to inch it all the way. Every step takes 2 months and just when you think you've made it, there's another step (I encountered one today, hence this outburst).
It's an emotional roller coaster already and I haven't even started!
These are the times when I feel alone, and this is a feeling I'd better get used to, let's face it, what kind of guy's going to take on a pregnant lady or one with a tiny baby??
An amazing one, I guess.

p.s note to self: calm down - enjoy the freedom - it wont always be like this - oh and the sun - step away from the computer and enjoy that too.....

Finding my donor

I discovered that if you use a UK donor you know nothing about them, you get what you get, something about 'designer babies'. To me this is insanity, I would chose things in my partner so why shouldn't I have some choices concerning the father of my child.

I must admit my searches weren't exhaustive. I have a balanced belief in both destiny and also in my powers to alter it. So once I found a site that worked for me I zoned in on a donor that met most of my criteria. I wanted someone dark like me, also I find dark men attractive. I wanted someone tall as all my family are tall. I wanted someone smart and with a sense of humour (obviously!). The man I chose seamed to have all of these things, I instantly warmed to him when I heard his voice, I liked his attitude to what he was doing, and most importantly for me, he was really into being contacted by his biological children. He is an 'open donor' which means when my kid reaches 18 he/she may contact him if they want, I feel this is a basic right and it was one of the most important of my requirements.
There were lots of other considerations but essentially they were all superficial as I have never seen or touched this person, and probably never will.
I have a 30 minute recorded interview, what he choses to write about himself, and a baby photograph to go on. But in a strange way I feel I have a sense of this man, or maybe I want to feel that way.

Eventually I bought the sperm in Denmark on the Internet, after many phone calls with the sperm bank who were incredibly helpful and gentle. It was exactly the same process as buying a book on Amazon, the same shopping cart icon and the same check out.
Yes, it was weird, way up there in my weird hall of fame.

In the UK we have a law that a donor may only have 10 families. This has to be recorded and monitored so you have to buy a 'pregnancy slot', a one off fee which costs about £1000, on top of the shipping fee and £250 per unit of sperm.
Had I gone to Spain or Denmark it would have been half the price, but given that they say I have a 15% chance of success each attempt hence I may have to try a few times before I get lucky, I felt being at home was more important.

That kinda brings things up to date.
It feels so compact on this blog, infact it's been months of moral questioning and internal battles. Many heated discussions with friends and I've had to fight my corner on more than one occassion (my GP was very unhappy about it).

But ultimately I'm sure of one thing - I want a child.
I tried exceptionally hard to come to peace with the idea that it's not my path to be a mother and I failed dismally.
I do not want to look back and think I didn't at least try.

How I got here.

It's hard to know where to start.
I suppose the beginning would be a good place.

I'm 38 years old, soon to be 39.

I have been single for 2 years, after ending a relatively happy 8-year relationship with man who promised me that we would have babies 'one day'. I had been very clear about the fact I wanted children when we were falling in love, I was in my late 20's and starting to consider these things. He, being 3 years my junior, wanted to wait. I accepted that. And I waited. But 7 years later when nothing changed I began to grow suspicious. After another 2 years of an agonizing separation process I found myself 37, pissed off and single.

I have just put into a paragraph the most horrendous experience of my life, one that nearly floored me, dragging myself through month after month in a world without hope. For a long time my anger was aimed at him, 'How could he do this to me when we had an agreement?’ He stole my best childbearing years and the most painful part was he didn't even understand the tragedy that had just dripped off him like an unconscious bead of sweat. He just moved swiftly on to his next lady, telling me he how much he loved me and how sorry he felt about the unfortunate situation he had left me in. The worst pain I felt was the aloneness, the aloneness of realizing that as much as he cared (aka guilt) and as much as your friends rally round and love you (and mine really did that, they really did) this is the crappiest thing that has ever happened to me and I didn't deserve it, and whilst I was completely justified in my feelings that a great injustice had occurred, at the end of the day it's just shit, and it's my shit and no one else can make it better.

So here's the bit when I get a bit cross with myself for ending up here and then fast forward to the bit where I take some responsibility for myself.

At this point I have to credit my sister with something.
Christmas present 2007, a book called ' Knock yourself up'.
She gave it to me concerned that she may be offending me (the sub text being, you are getting on and clearly not managing to find another boyfriend, so how about considering 'plan b') but she cunningly covered her tracks by buying herself a copy as well. How she pulled that one off, given that she is happily married to a man desperate to have kids, is a credit to her.
I read a couple of chapters, wanted to vomit, had a sleepless night, cried and bit and gave the book away in disgust.

But the seed was sown.
And I didn't even know it.

A couple of months later, I tell myself that I just want a fertility MOT, I want to be in good shape when I meet the father of my child at one of the many awful parties that I now feel I have to drag myself to, just incase I meet 'the one'.
Nowdays when I have one of the very rare flashes of anger that I sometimes have aimed at my x, they are always prompted by leaving some dreadful event I would never have gone to had I not been single. A mixture of the mild disappointment at leaving yet another party, having fancied no one, and also of realizing it was written like a book before you left your cosy home a few hours prior.
It's humiliating.

So my fertility tests all come back positive.
Now what?

My doctor says that he's pleased to see a woman of my age, that all too often single women don't start to worry about these issues until their early 40's, by which time it's so much harder to help them.
I explain that I only want to know I'm in 'good working order'.

But now the seed has sprouted.

I'm asking myself why would I wait until I'm 40+ (and let's face it a year goes mightily quick) and it's harder to conceive?
I started to look at sperm donor sites and softly, softly, gently, gently the concept sunk into my soul.

In fact it was a quick transition and a wonderful one.
The hardest part was letting go of the romantic dream, but reality once faced is so much less scary.
(How I wish I could remember that).
And what arrived in its place was beautiful.
For the first time in years I took hold of the reins and I was in charge of my happiness.
If what I want is a baby then I can try for one. I don't have to be looking for the father of my child in a desperate way, a way in which I'd surely accept less then I should.

At this point I want to express that I am the product of a single parent upbringing, unusually it was my father that parented me. He did a good, solid job but I suffered greatly.
I don't take lightly the decision to have a child alone.
I realise that it is selfish but I think I will be a good mother.
I have a solid support system of friends and I am financially independent.
I truly believe that I will one day meet a great man and fall in love but it may not be in time for me to have a baby, and I'm not prepared to sacrifice myself to the universe in that way. So I'm making the informed, and very considered, act of trying for a baby alone, by donor insemination.
And I’m really excited about it.