I went for an ultrasound today, they reckon I'm going to be ready for my 1st insemination in 3 days....
I'm currently experiencing a full spectrum of emotions and I'll attempt to list some;
The first one and the one shouting loudest is anxiety.
I have knots in my stomach.
I feel like I'm about to jump out of a plane.
This is clearly nonsense as I'm not skydiving, I'm trying to have a baby - I guess there is a free fall element in common.
I'm also worried about the inevitable failures as they say it's normal to try 6 times or more.
My jury is out on how to prepare for this one, plan A was to expect to fail and thus not get too disappointed, but thinking about it I believe in the power of belief, so could it affect the outcome if I doubt it's success?
I also suppose I'm dreaming to think I can swerve the disappointment.
Then there's relief - I made it - no more of the evil beast otherwise known as 'waiting'.
And probably most importantly of all, I'm silently and in the the most personal way, more excited than I dare to admit.
It's a strange journey, because as cool as I'd like to imagine I am (imagine being the operative word), this thing is all encompassing. They say that men think about sex every 10 seconds and I'm sure my thoughts drift here just as much. Don't get me wrong life ticks on and from the outside there's no neon halo reading 'lady waiting to be inseminated' (interesting visual though) but in reality everything else in my life is secondary - by miles. And whilst I've told a handful of people about what I'm up to, I've been non-specific about timing because I dread the questioning or telling folk month after month that it didn't work. It already feels like some weird judgement by the universe that I'm in this situation, so I'm going to torture myself as little as possible. The result of this dual life I'm leading is that I've withdrawn, at the exact time that I should be reaching out and pulling people close I'm retreating because I'm scared. And whilst fear is not an emotion that stops me in my tracks I do believe in tipping my hat to it as I go. Trust isn't my strong card and in difficult times my default position is to baton down the hatches and hunker down (interesting that the terms that come to mind relate to war). I just feel like I couldn't take a 'let down' just now and one thing I know for sure is that I can cope on my own - tried and tested - though not with a baby on board, it's true.
As I write I realise this doesn't sound healthy, but I think that writing this diary is both an exorcism and a method of seeing myself. Of course I will not do this alone because I have indomitable support but I do feel weary of those close to me. I feel like a mother protecting her cubs and I'm not even pregnant yet.
Yet again, I hope none of this sounds negative these are just the confessions of a scared and excited girl as she enters the 'Great Perhaps'.
