Take 3....

Today I cried.
Very unlike me, I am not a 'cryer', but today I couldn't stop.
I cried waiting for the train.
I cried at the hospital (so much so that the nurses put me in my own waiting room because they said it wouldn't do for people to see me so upset - odd I thought.)
I cried as they did the insemination and I cried all the way home.
I want to know how my life ended up with me waiting, on my own, in a decrepit train station, going to a crumby hospital, for an insemination that probably won't work?
Lonely isn't the word, desperate seems more fitting.

Who d'you call when you fall off your bike?

I'm almost loathed to write at the moment because I feel like a moaning Minnie and no-one likes a stream of negativity less than me. But as I write this diary essentially for myself I'm going to tell it like it is.

Today it sucks!

This morning I had a nasty bike accident, I went over the handlebars and under a car because a man stepped out in the road without looking. He walked around me, sprawled on the road, shouting 'Not my fault!' without even stopping to see if I was OK. Physically I'm fine, a bit sore and bruised but horrified that there are people that low in this world. After getting myself home, I had a 5 minute self pity weep and then wanted to talk to someone, but reaching for the phone I realised I didn't want to call a girlfriend. I was really shaken up and wanted to feel protected, to have the proverbial 'arms around me'. I wanted to call a man.

Being single at my age feels so wrong. I'm devastated that my life has turned out like this and that I'm having to try for a baby alone. Nature did not intend it this way and it feels like an unbearable burden at times. If I have a baby alone and I get injured, what then?

100 times over I could have 'gotten pregnant' in my 8 year relationship but I don't believe in that kind of behaviour.
So where has my integrity got me?
I couldn't stay in fruitless relationship, I'm not prepared to forfeit being a mother and I'm 39.
I feel trapped by circumstance and I don't feel deserving of it.
What did I do to create this hell?
'Just bad luck' seems too glib an answer.

This mountain's higher than I thought..

There's no going back and the summit is higher than it looks.

Literally the moment I allowed myself to hope I felt those familiar pains.
This journey turns out to be one of the hardest things I've ever done and I'm not a stranger to struggle. A combination of wanting something SO badly and having no control, it being on my mind 24/7 and not being able to talk about it. Oh, and just for a bit of extra tension, the sound of that time clock gently ticking in the background....

As I write I realize that there are far worse things going on in the world, but as we know if you let things rattle around your brain without release you risk turning into a self-interested idiot. Hence this diary. A desire to release my madness into the world in a way that I won't bore those close to me, to death.

I think the root of the problem is that I thought it would be different for me. I thought that because I don't have fertility problems it would work quicker for me. I thought that because I seem younger than I am I'd fool my ovaries into not being almost 40.
I thought I was different, and I'm not and I don't like it.

Also I'm coming to terms with the fact that there's no respite.
I considered taking a month off just to give myself a break but I quickly understood that the discomfort of waiting a month would be equal to the stress of trying again.
I haven't lost faith in any way but I guess I'm just understanding this baby may take a while and the process is draining, depressing and expensive. All of this and with no back up, must be a good training for motherhood, no?

Note to self - stop being a miserable cow and remember the positives;
I got trashed on Friday, I'm about to have a deliciously hot bath and I'm going to a pilates class tonight, all banned whilst on the 2WW !

The audacity of hope?

Obama's in (hallelulyah) and asking us to have the audacity to hope. Meanwhile I'm doing my darnedest not to hope and it's killing me.
Things definitely feel different this time but it could be anything and I'm analysing every twinge.
I really don't want to hope but I just can't help it.
Maybe I should go with it and except the pitfalls?