I'm almost loathed to write at the moment because I feel like a moaning Minnie and no-one likes a stream of negativity less than me. But as I write this diary essentially for myself I'm going to tell it like it is.Today it sucks!
This morning I had a nasty bike accident, I went over the handlebars and under a car because a man stepped out in the road without looking. He walked around me, sprawled on the road, shouting 'Not my fault!' without even stopping to see if I was OK. Physically I'm fine, a bit sore and bruised but horrified that there are people that low in this world. After getting myself home, I had a 5 minute self pity weep and then wanted to talk to someone, but reaching for the phone I realised I didn't want to call a girlfriend. I was really shaken up and wanted to feel protected, to have the proverbial 'arms around me'. I wanted to call a man.
Being single at my age feels so wrong. I'm devastated that my life has turned out like this and that I'm having to try for a baby alone. Nature did not intend it this way and it feels like an unbearable burden at times. If I have a baby alone and I get injured, what then?
100 times over I could have 'gotten pregnant' in my 8 year relationship but I don't believe in that kind of behaviour.
So where has my integrity got me?
I couldn't stay in fruitless relationship, I'm not prepared to forfeit being a mother and I'm 39.
I feel trapped by circumstance and I don't feel deserving of it.
What did I do to create this hell?
'Just bad luck' seems too glib an answer.
1 comment:
You are right. It is unfair. Why do bad things happen to good people? A question I am asking now too. Sometimes our bodies betray us and it is just not easy to accept and sometimes our path (in retrospect) has betrayed us also. Nothing lasts forever though. That's one sure thing.
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