I haven't written for a while so I just re-read my blog. I find it eternally fascinating how one's view of things can change so radically in just a few months.
I believed so completely that I would be pregnant within the first few months of trying (if I'm really honest I thought I would get pregnant my 1st IUI). I guess you have to feel that way and why wouldn't I, it's generally experience that colours the canvass.
So here I am over a year later and 4 IUI's and 3 IVF's later (actually I am mid 3rd IVF).
I'm in NYC and I'm trying to think how I feel about it...
I'm more relaxed about this IVF than the previous ones (borderline numb).
I'm weary but no where close to exhausted.
I'm resigned to the fact that this has taken over my existence and I am used to it.
I am hopeful.
During my 1st IVF I was so sure I would get a strike that I was very cavalier about it.
I read no literature, I did no alternative therapies or supplements and I ate whatever I wanted.
With No.2 came a hunger for information. I did acupuncture and daily IVF meditations (very against the grain but 'no holes barred' was the motto) on top of homeopathy, hypnotherapy and colonic irrigation. Yikkk.
Round 3. This time I'm eating well but not fanatically so, I'm doing acupuncture because it feels good and I'm taking supplements because I was deficient. That's it.
I've moved clinics and this one is SO much better. I'm really chilled about the IVF. I've been beaten into some sort of submission and am grasping the concept that the universe is in control (I still think I am a little, but let's keep that our secret!).
I trust I will have a baby one day but I know now that it will happen in it's own good time.
I worked out today that I have injected a quarter of a small London flat into my stomach this year, which is a little scary, but guess what, I invested for a rainy day and here it is. I have the flat to inject and clever me for investing.
I guess I have found some purpose to this journey.
It is definitely to prepare me for being the most patient and present mother I can possibly be.
I will try never to forget how badly I wanted this child and how I fought for it.
I will give it all the love I missed.
And most relevant right now, I will try to walk this unknown road with as much fearlessness, honesty and dignity as I can muster.
And I will try to remember to laugh........
