Ouch! But not a bad one.

It's an interesting one setting out on the road of having a baby alone because it begs the question 'Where does it leave you on a romantic level'?

I recently had an affair with a friend, a man I've known and loved for a long time - when I say loved I mean in a platonic way (apparently not completely). So for a list of reasons I won't go into we end up having a short affair. This is not casual sex, it's different, it's an affair with someone you love but know you won't end up with. He's a good man but lives in another country and more importantly we aren't going to fall in love. Under normal circumstances this would be a shame but throw my current situation into the equation and it becomes a bit of a wake up call.

I have spent the last 6 months coming to terms with the notion that I'm having a child alone, bracing myself for the job, accepting the downsides and let's not forget, the upsides too.
And then I end up, all be it briefly, in a loving situation with a man that really cares for me. Come flooding back the memories of what it's like to be taken for dinner, to have a man interested in me and being supportive. I'm reminded that there are good guys out there... Ooops.

I wouldn't change it for the world as I believe in living life and embracing it's ups and it's downs, but this has made me feel what I may be forfeiting - if only for a while.
It's tough being single, going to bed alone, dealing with life solo, not having a partner to bounce an idea off at the end of the day or simply to give you a hug when you need it.
(Note to self: remember all the downers too!)

I still realize the truly wonderful journey I am embarking on and I'm as deeply excited as ever, but I'd be dishonest if I didn't acknowledge that already it sometimes feels lonely. I also realise that by the very nature of what I'm doing I will likely ensure my 'singleness' for a while to come.
I write this diary for myself mainly, but also in the hope that someone out there may fell less alone if they are on, or will one day be on, a similar road.
This is not a poor me tale just another reality check.

What's going on in this world ?

Today I feel sad about my situation.
Actually it's not only my situation, it belongs to at least half of my girlfriends as well.
I look at them and I see gorgeous, smart, loving women and they are single, I am single, and it doesn't add up.
It seems to me that there is an epidemic of selfishness going on at the moment. The desire in men to protect and sacrifice seems to have gone. So many of the guys that I meet are only interested in themselves, they have no desire to have families, and why should they when they can wait now? Women are so independent we don't need them that much and it seems to me they are having a laugh at our expense.

Please don't misunderstand me, this is not a rant about how awful men are. I love men, I really do. I was brought up by one. I have male friends that mean the world to me. But there is definitely something going on and the fall out is women like me, in our mid to late 30's, who need some commitment and are too old and aware to pretend we don't.

I spoke this morning to yet another of my girlfriends who has left her man because she wanted the relationship to progress and he couldn't give her that because he didn't 'know his heart' - his words - the very same words that tortured me throughout my excruciating 2 year separation. This girl is a really special one (a common consensus) and I know he still loves her, but he 'doesn't know his heart' so he will let this rare gift go.
Will someone please help me to understand?
What do these men want?
I do understand that relationships breakdown but this is not what I'm describing.
I'm talking about some weird situation where there is love and lots of it, but there is a Peter Pan parasite on the loose. A virulent one! Yes, for a year things may be exciting in a new romance and there may be more sex but after that it will be the same.
How many wonderful women have I met in my situation recently, in good relationships until they asked for something and then they got stonewalled. They leave and the guys move straight on to a younger fresher model and one that won't ask for too much (for the time being).

I am sorry if this seems like an attack, it is not meant that way, I just feel sad and tired of being lonely and I want to understand.