Wow, it's been ages since I made an entry.
I went to America where my 1st IVF failed, I am now midst my 2nd attempt and currently waiting to find out if I am pregnant (the test is a week away).
The reason I haven't written in so long is that it's been pretty awful and I never feel much like sharing the bad stuff.
I have withdrawn socially and life has become pretty much a baby trail. I've tried fighting it but I can't be bothered anymore.
I'm either on drugs, going for blood tests and ultrasounds, if not undergoing retrievals (when they remove your eggs) or transfers (putting in embryos) or my personal favourite, waiting!
To be really honest, it's not that bad, I just get on with it, but for some inexplicable reason everything else takes back seat. I say inexplicable because essentially IVF takes up between 10mins on a normal day to 2hrs on a monitored day, so why should it take over ones life so completely?
That's the bit I can't understand but all I can say is I am living proof that you just seem to 'get through' the rest of your life.
I also know that I will keep going till I get a baby (unless I am categorically told there is no hope). So I'm looking at quite a sentence.
Unless of course I'm pregnant already.
But after 5 failures one can't bear to hope, yet you must hope or what chance do you have?
It's like putting your hands back in the fire when you know how it horribly it burns.
It seems so laughable now when I think back to a year ago when I thought it would be simple to get pregnant!
On a positive note IVF really isn't that bad, I don't really mind the drugs much, my body doesn't react badly to them, I actually have boobs which is fine by me, and the injecting doesn't bother me one bit. The only wretched part is the wait and at the end finding out you've failed (oh, and another $10k down the pan is never great). Going to the States is quite disruptive to my life and work but it's probably a good thing to dedicate time to it - the 1st time I did the whole procedure there which took 5 weeks in all, but this time I only went for the operations and did the drugs in the UK, so it was only 10 days away.
I don't know what to say, it feels like such a personal journey, I can't bear it when people ask questions, even though they are being caring, I just want to scream 'Believe me, if I have any news I'll tell you, don't make me say I've failed or I'm waiting, AGAIN', it's painful enough without the words of sympathy or seeing pity on peoples faces.
I know I sound like a sorry beast but I'm fine, I have no doubt that I'll get there, and one day I'll write in this diary that finally, I DID IT!
