Take 2

(She's in Havana and a visit is said to ensure your fertility)

After all my whining last week I ovulated on Sunday so I went for 'take 2' on Monday.
It was a totally different experience, I felt much better about the doctor that did it, she took literally 2 minutes and it was completely painless in every way.
I'm much more positive about this one, somehow it felt right.
So here I am re-entering the 2 WW but feeling so much more chilled this time.
Watch this space....

Confessions of a replicant.

Do you ever stop to wonder how many different facets there are to life, the realm of things that a stranger could be experiencing and feeling at any one moment. I don't think it's possible or desirable to do so, but the reason I ask is that I could never in my wildest dreams have imagined places I've gone, literally and emotionally, whilst on this crusade.

I'd better give some background to this rant.

I've elected to do this thing naturally, based on the fact that I'd studied my cycles and everything seemed fairly straight forward. But of course since then every cycle has been totally unpredictable and it's thrown my life into turmoil. It's looking like I'm going to ovulate on the one half day that makes it impossible for me to go for an insemination this month
i.e. ovulation Saturday pm, fertility unit shut Sunday, game over Monday. And I'm doubly frustrated as next month I'm out of town, so now I'm looking at a 10 week wait.
Suddenly this undercover hippy understands why all these women go for drugs - in a word - control.
(Yes, I'm a guilty as charged control freak, but I'll challenge anyone who claims not to be).

I'm also laughing at myself because I can hear my words, 'The wait's over, hurrah'.
How silly I am, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that whatever way you look at this project it's a catalogue of waits. Wait to get on the system, wait to get through the multitude of tests, wait to start trying, wait to see if you're pregnant, wait to try again, wait to see again, and so on till if you're lucky, the 9 month wait.....

Oh and by the way, whilst all this is going on you have to get on with your life and pretend to be a normal human being, hah, and that's the really tough part, because now you are a replicant, you're pretending to be a human but really you are just this weird woman who hasn't managed to achieve the one most basic human requirement. You look around at all the people who've done it without a 2nd thought or even by accident and you feel like a loser. At the end of the day we're animals, fancy ones maybe, but animals none the less, and the more I look the more I see that what matter are friends, family and food - 3 F's.
(There are clearly some other great F's not to be overlooked).

So this replicant wonders around with a 'Stepford Wives' smile on her face designed to cover up the obsessional thoughts that rattle around her brain. She gets on with her life but it has little meaning. She avoids her good friends because they are dangerous. They are the ones likely to notice the plastic face and challenge it. And she must not be challenged because the truth that their caring, smart, individual friend has been replaced by a self obsessed sub-human with only one topic of thought, dull to anyone but her, may be out....

So you see the problem?

Obviously I see the error of my ways and in truth, when I re-read my rant, it sounds worse than it really is. But the essence of the words are true. Of course I get joy out of life still, but it's muted. I don't think there is any way out of that, and when I speak to people that have gone through it they say the same. I have chosen this and I want this, it's just solitary and frustrating, that's all.

P.s The good news is that there's a small hope for Monday if my ovaries can just hold on!

1 down.

Even though I didn't expect it to work first time, now that it hasn't I want to pop pregnant people. Not in a horrid hurtful way, I just want them to go away like fairy liquid bubbles do when they land.

2 W W ...

Have you ever wished you could switch to an alternate universe? I have, often, and my advice is be careful what you wish for.
My sister told me last week that what got her through the minefield of 2 yrs of IVF was posting on a fertility web site. Against my better judgement I caved in and had a look at one last night.
Note 1
It’s all aimed at women in relationships having fertility problems. Fertile, single, hetro women are unrepresented.
Note 2
The site was completely unintelligible, I literally couldn't comprehend the testimonials for acronyms. I had no real desire to decipher them but one that kept recurring and bothering me was ‘2WW’. Eventually I got cross with this secret underworld and their codes and went to bed feeling like an inferior being.
As I drifted into sleep I had one of those epiphanies one sometimes has when your brain stops trying.
2WW = 2 Week Wait !
This is the name given to the alternate universe I now exist in.
It is one where you’re not allowed to smoke, booze or drink coffee. One where you can’t lift heavy weights, ingest chemical fumes or have hot baths. One where crazy things like eating pineapple cores are advised.
And all this for a 10-15% chance of being pregnant.
Adhering to all these restrictions is obviously some form of madness as under normal circumstances a ‘mother to be’ would have no idea what state she’s in at this early stage, and may well be living life as a drinking, smoking furniture removal lady having gloriously hot baths at the end of every tough day, all with no negative consequence to her future offspring.
But with knowledge comes responsibility.
Annoying, but to be fair this is all a nano price to pay.
Another symptom of this ‘2 Week World’ is that any tiny sensation felt within a 6 inch radius of ones navel is either your period about to happen or your future child implanting, depending on your mood. Again, patently a form of delusional madness that even level headed old me can’t exempt myself from.
So far I’m finding it quite amusing how the mind tricks one and I’m observing it with interest. I’m sure I won’t be quite so Zen a few cycles down the line, but that’s how it is today.

Ps I've failed to confess that I have completely redesigned my apartment in the last week and am having a new carpet fitted tomorrow. Long live distraction therapy.

Must not obsess.

The deed is done. It took 20 mins.
I wouldn't say it went smoothly, they struggled to get the tube through my cervix, which is apparently a bad sign because if the timing's right it should be open a little to allow for the egg to pass. It was also exceptionally painful, another bad sign, and I'm still sore this morning.
I laid down on the train all the way home (looking like a proper nut nut but it seemed like the obvious thing to do?) and spent the afternoon at home chilling.
Then I read on the Internet that your cervix closes after the insemination so nothing can escape thus the laying down was all in vain, but what a joy to spend the afternoon home watching DVDs.
Also for 3 days I mustn't raise my body temperature (i.e. have a hot bath) as it kills sperm. No prizes for guessing what I want more than anything in the world.
So now all I have to do is take it easy and get on with life as normal for the next fortnight....
Note to self: must not obsess, must not obsess, must not obsess, must not obsess, must not obsess, must not obsess......

Blue blistering barnacles..

My ovaries are being naughty!
After studying my cycles for the last 4 months in order to 'understand my body' (and let me tell you it's no thrilling task), it's decided to go freestyle this month. I'm secretly quite proud of it, how annoying to be completely predictable, I just kinda wish it had chosen another month.
Anyhow, I've been 'about to ovulate' for 3 days. Very strange. So I went for another ultrasound today and they've given me an injection to stimulate the egg to release. There goes my 'natural' attempt, oh well.
The good news is that after waiting for 3 days I'm over being anxious, so tomorrow 11am is D day (no.1)....