After an intense time of depression and motivation analysis (personal) I gradually detect some light at the end of the tunnel.
I have moved away from 'runaway train' status and am now safely back on track and am operating from a more realistic viewpoint.
That is not to understate the great sadness I've faced in order to be able to say that.
I think it's clear to anyone that has followed this diary that I started out on this journey thinking that just because I had decided to have a baby it would happen.
Here I am a year and a half later, 4 IUI's and 3 IVF's and labelled with 'unexplained infertility'.
Having wanted a child for about 12 years I had never even entertained the notion that I would not one day have one.
4 years ago I was brutally robbed of the dream of a family.
I then reluctantly switched to the mindset that it wasn't all over and I could have a baby alone.
Now I'm faced with the possibility of never having a child at all.
At first I couldn't look at it.
It seemed like a black wall with no light around it.
I simply couldn't see a life beyond it.
I wouldn't say I considered suicide but I definitely couldn't see life beyond the black wall.
So I forced myself to look at it.
What was it that I couldn't bare?
It was the thought of a life of just me.
The loneliness.
The thought of everyone around me progressing into family life with all that it involves - and being left behind - stagnating - just me - alone.
So I want to have a baby to avoid being alone?
Sounds wrong but there is something to it.
I think if you ask any parent they will say that there is a feeling of 'completeness' about it.
That they have done what they are here to do.
But there must be another way too.
There must be other ways to find contentment in life.
I can only believe that what ever way this story pans out that this is an opportunity.
An opportunity to evolve.
That may seem like a trite thing to say but it is the only way I can go on.
And I believe it.
I was brought up without a mother and I had never addressed the damage I sustained as a result of that.
The feelings are overwhelming and insanely sad.
But for the first time in my life I am facing them.
And it is good.
Maybe it will make me a better mother.
Or maybe it will just make me a happier soul.
Whichever one, it is good.
1 comment:
Once again, I wish there was something to say that would help you in this dark hour. Of course there is not. You are an intelligent and eloquent person and seem to be able to put things into their proper perspectives. It is always hardest to see opportunity when we are in the midst of such a loss as yours. But, it is good to hear that you can at least see the glimmer of something else out there -- because, let me tell you, there is a whole other way to go on this and either you embrace that or...?
Loneliness/being alone, is a state of being that a person orchestrates on their own. Well, that's my two cents and about what its worth...
You probably would make a great mother and still may one day. It is too early to completely give up on that one as one never really knows what twists & turns life takes.
Okay, sorry to ramble on and hope I have not offended you in any way.
I only wish you the best.
A very honest post.
Cheers. gina
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