I want to live again.
I want to be part of the human race.
I want to laugh.
I want to plan.
I want to stop hurting, waiting, wanting.
I am exhausted.
You will imagine from this entry that I have failed again.
I was fine when I 1st found out last week (but I was insanely busy).
But now I am on my knees.
I spoke to my doctor last week and she said that she wants to try 1 more time and then consider stopping.
I turn 40 next week.
This was the 1st time I had entertained the concept that I may not have a child, ever.
Until now it has just been 'HOW' or 'WHEN' but now it is 'IF'.
And it it one of the most terrifying, lonely places I have been.
Just when I thought this terrible, terrible journey couldn't get any more hideous I find a new low to sink to.
The thought of having to deal with just 'me' for the next 40yrs makes me feel wretched.
I do not want to be defined by my inability to have a child and I do not want people to feel sorry for me.
Am I a big enough person not to feel sad and twisted every time another one of my friends gets pregnant?
Am I capable of finding happiness in childlessness?
I feel desperate.
I am desperate.
Everything I thought about myself is crumbling.
I thought I was strong and I am not.
I thought I could achieve whatever I put my mind to and I can't.
I thought I was fine alone and now the prospect of it terrifies me.
I just keep asking myself how I ended up here?
Why is this my road?
I wish I understood.
3 comments:
Well, I feel I must comment. I have no children. I never wanted any of my own. I like other people's kids. I never felt it was my destiny to pro-create. I feel just fine about that. I dont feel alone or lonely. I have great, solid people in my life. It's good to be alive (most of the time).
I know you didn't ask but I am just saying there is another way to look at things, another way to go through life, another way to be okay. In fact there are many other ways of being that are not just 'resignation'. Look around and you will see that there are many more of us out there than initially meets the eye. We are just kind of quiet about it.
I sincerely wish you all the best.
Yes, people tell me there is life after 'wanting a child'.
I guess I've just been a bit of a run away train about it all, which is definitely my style.
I never stopped to consider not getting my way.
And now reality is creeping in the window and it's a shocker.
I guess I just feel like I'm doing a crash course in 'letting go of dreams'.
But I will accept it if I have to and try to be content there.
As ever I thank you for helping me see the bigger picture.
LG
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