Hanging in and feeling strong.

- Isn't it something to think this is how we all started out? -

I completed my 4th IVF today.
That is to say, I had my embryo transfer done this afternoon.
Emotionally and physically I'm in much better shape than the previous 3 but I've learned not to have expectations.

If this is a test in the lengths a woman will go to to prepare for the making and taking of an embryo (or 4) than I'm definitely in the runnings - for months now we're talking eating well (plus no booze or caffeine!) taking supplements, Chinese herbs, acupuncture, healing and dealing with emotional demons - not to mention all the other crazy shit I've subjected myself to these past 2 years.

But as we all know, my fate is in the 'hands of the gods' and I slightly suspect that none of all this makes the blindest bit of difference other than to stop me feeling helpless (oh, and to send my bank account further into the deep, dark red).

So, let's see what the universe has for me this time.......

p.s. If anyone out there is crackers enough to have stuck with me, thank you so much and will you send me some luck?
It would be much appreciated.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

After an intense time of depression and motivation analysis (personal) I gradually detect some light at the end of the tunnel.
I have moved away from 'runaway train' status and am now safely back on track and am operating from a more realistic viewpoint.
That is not to understate the great sadness I've faced in order to be able to say that.

I think it's clear to anyone that has followed this diary that I started out on this journey thinking that just because I had decided to have a baby it would happen.
Here I am a year and a half later, 4 IUI's and 3 IVF's and labelled with 'unexplained infertility'.
Having wanted a child for about 12 years I had never even entertained the notion that I would not one day have one.
4 years ago I was brutally robbed of the dream of a family.
I then reluctantly switched to the mindset that it wasn't all over and I could have a baby alone.
Now I'm faced with the possibility of never having a child at all.

At first I couldn't look at it.
It seemed like a black wall with no light around it.
I simply couldn't see a life beyond it.
I wouldn't say I considered suicide but I definitely couldn't see life beyond the black wall.
So I forced myself to look at it.
What was it that I couldn't bare?
It was the thought of a life of just me.
The loneliness.
The thought of everyone around me progressing into family life with all that it involves - and being left behind - stagnating - just me - alone.

So I want to have a baby to avoid being alone?
Sounds wrong but there is something to it.
I think if you ask any parent they will say that there is a feeling of 'completeness' about it.
That they have done what they are here to do.
But there must be another way too.
There must be other ways to find contentment in life.

I can only believe that what ever way this story pans out that this is an opportunity.
An opportunity to evolve.
That may seem like a trite thing to say but it is the only way I can go on.
And I believe it.

I was brought up without a mother and I had never addressed the damage I sustained as a result of that.
The feelings are overwhelming and insanely sad.
But for the first time in my life I am facing them.
And it is good.

Maybe it will make me a better mother.
Or maybe it will just make me a happier soul.
Whichever one, it is good.

I want my life back.

I want to live again.
I want to be part of the human race.
I want to laugh.
I want to plan.
I want to stop hurting, waiting, wanting.
I am exhausted.

You will imagine from this entry that I have failed again.
I was fine when I 1st found out last week (but I was insanely busy).
But now I am on my knees.
I spoke to my doctor last week and she said that she wants to try 1 more time and then consider stopping.
I turn 40 next week.

This was the 1st time I had entertained the concept that I may not have a child, ever.
Until now it has just been 'HOW' or 'WHEN' but now it is 'IF'.
And it it one of the most terrifying, lonely places I have been.
Just when I thought this terrible, terrible journey couldn't get any more hideous I find a new low to sink to.
The thought of having to deal with just 'me' for the next 40yrs makes me feel wretched.

I do not want to be defined by my inability to have a child and I do not want people to feel sorry for me.
Am I a big enough person not to feel sad and twisted every time another one of my friends gets pregnant?
Am I capable of finding happiness in childlessness?

I feel desperate.
I am desperate.
Everything I thought about myself is crumbling.
I thought I was strong and I am not.
I thought I could achieve whatever I put my mind to and I can't.
I thought I was fine alone and now the prospect of it terrifies me.

I just keep asking myself how I ended up here?
Why is this my road?
I wish I understood.

Beaten into submission!

I haven't written for a while so I just re-read my blog. I find it eternally fascinating how one's view of things can change so radically in just a few months.
I believed so completely that I would be pregnant within the first few months of trying (if I'm really honest I thought I would get pregnant my 1st IUI). I guess you have to feel that way and why wouldn't I, it's generally experience that colours the canvass.

So here I am over a year later and 4 IUI's and 3 IVF's later (actually I am mid 3rd IVF).
I'm in NYC and I'm trying to think how I feel about it...

I'm more relaxed about this IVF than the previous ones (borderline numb).
I'm weary but no where close to exhausted.
I'm resigned to the fact that this has taken over my existence and I am used to it.
I am hopeful.

During my 1st IVF I was so sure I would get a strike that I was very cavalier about it.
I read no literature, I did no alternative therapies or supplements and I ate whatever I wanted.
With No.2 came a hunger for information. I did acupuncture and daily IVF meditations (very against the grain but 'no holes barred' was the motto) on top of homeopathy, hypnotherapy and colonic irrigation. Yikkk.
Round 3. This time I'm eating well but not fanatically so, I'm doing acupuncture because it feels good and I'm taking supplements because I was deficient. That's it.
I've moved clinics and this one is SO much better. I'm really chilled about the IVF. I've been beaten into some sort of submission and am grasping the concept that the universe is in control (I still think I am a little, but let's keep that our secret!).
I trust I will have a baby one day but I know now that it will happen in it's own good time.

I worked out today that I have injected a quarter of a small London flat into my stomach this year, which is a little scary, but guess what, I invested for a rainy day and here it is. I have the flat to inject and clever me for investing.

I guess I have found some purpose to this journey.
It is definitely to prepare me for being the most patient and present mother I can possibly be.
I will try never to forget how badly I wanted this child and how I fought for it.
I will give it all the love I missed.
And most relevant right now, I will try to walk this unknown road with as much fearlessness, honesty and dignity as I can muster.

And I will try to remember to laugh........

Jeez Louise...

Wow, it's been ages since I made an entry.

I went to America where my 1st IVF failed, I am now midst my 2nd attempt and currently waiting to find out if I am pregnant (the test is a week away).
The reason I haven't written in so long is that it's been pretty awful and I never feel much like sharing the bad stuff.

I have withdrawn socially and life has become pretty much a baby trail. I've tried fighting it but I can't be bothered anymore.
I'm either on drugs, going for blood tests and ultrasounds, if not undergoing retrievals (when they remove your eggs) or transfers (putting in embryos) or my personal favourite, waiting!
To be really honest, it's not that bad, I just get on with it, but for some inexplicable reason everything else takes back seat. I say inexplicable because essentially IVF takes up between 10mins on a normal day to 2hrs on a monitored day, so why should it take over ones life so completely?
That's the bit I can't understand but all I can say is I am living proof that you just seem to 'get through' the rest of your life.
I also know that I will keep going till I get a baby (unless I am categorically told there is no hope). So I'm looking at quite a sentence.
Unless of course I'm pregnant already.
But after 5 failures one can't bear to hope, yet you must hope or what chance do you have?
It's like putting your hands back in the fire when you know how it horribly it burns.
It seems so laughable now when I think back to a year ago when I thought it would be simple to get pregnant!

On a positive note IVF really isn't that bad, I don't really mind the drugs much, my body doesn't react badly to them, I actually have boobs which is fine by me, and the injecting doesn't bother me one bit. The only wretched part is the wait and at the end finding out you've failed (oh, and another $10k down the pan is never great). Going to the States is quite disruptive to my life and work but it's probably a good thing to dedicate time to it - the 1st time I did the whole procedure there which took 5 weeks in all, but this time I only went for the operations and did the drugs in the UK, so it was only 10 days away.

I don't know what to say, it feels like such a personal journey, I can't bear it when people ask questions, even though they are being caring, I just want to scream 'Believe me, if I have any news I'll tell you, don't make me say I've failed or I'm waiting, AGAIN', it's painful enough without the words of sympathy or seeing pity on peoples faces.
I know I sound like a sorry beast but I'm fine, I have no doubt that I'll get there, and one day I'll write in this diary that finally, I DID IT!

The mountain must come to Mohammed.

So much has happened since I last wrote.
I mentioned before that I'd encountered a compatibility issue with the donor I'd chosen i.e. he has a virus that I don't have.
Under normal circumstances CMV poses no problems, it manifests no symptoms and more than half the population have it. It's only important not to contract it whilst pregnant as it can cause deafness or brain damage to the baby.

So I'm back to searching for a donor.
My friends all think I've taken leave of my senses, they say (the ones with kids) that I will love my child just as much whoever the father is, that I should stop trying to control the situation and just take any old sperm. I believe them in concept as the nature of life's amazing gene pool dictates that you get what you get anyway, but I think it's funny that people are so quick to throw in their penneth without really putting themselves in my shoes (how could they?).
Would they really go into a bar with a blind fold on and grab at the 1st male that crossed their path and have a baby with him? No, I sense that they would walk in with their eyes wide open, spend a little time interviewing and go with the one with that interested them the most.
Anyway I couldn't care less what other people say.
I'm solo on this mission and I have never been surer of anything in my life.

I'm on the Internet every evening for weeks, I become depressed and furious trawling through testimonials that literally put me to sleep. It soon becomes clear that I was lucky last time to come across a donor I liked so easily.
Finally I find a guy that talks my language and I cried with relief when I heard him.

The sun shines again...but only for a heart beat...the bank isn't registered to ship to the UK, ahhhh. (Sound effect = loud screeching followed by a car hitting solid object - a wall perhaps?).
After a mini fit, I calm down and figure it out, if Mohammed can't come to the mountain, the mountain must come to Mohammed!

I've already been to to the States and found a clinic to work with and I'm lucky enough to have a place to stay there.
I will have to be away for 3 weeks and it's definitely alot more expensive than the UK but I have thrown caution to the wind and am borrowing the money.
I am not giving up, I have ways of raising the money and the time is nothing.
I am a big believer in genetics and also for fighting for what you believe in, even if it's against every odds imaginable.

So I'm off to New York in 2 weeks to start.
Bring it on....

Wow...

They say you get given what you can handle.
Mmmm....that's food for thought.
My latest obstacle is a real curve ball.
Clinic B has discovered that my donor and I are incompatible, not only that but had I gotten pregnant by him I may have had a brain damaged child.
How does one digest this information?
I feel;
1) relieved I didn't get pregnant (how the tables turn).
2) cross about clinic A's negligence and the money I spent there.
3) uninspired by the thought of having to find another donor, the guy I chose was the only 1 in 100's that I was drawn to, it's a depressing and time consuming mission.
4) amazed at what the universe has decided to throw my way.
I'm lost for words.
I long for the day I can write some good news in this ol' diary of mine.

Afterthought = actually I can - I had a AMH ovarian reserve test at clinic B and they found I'm in way better shape than they would have expected for a woman of my age, that equals time, which sure is lucky in light of the above!
Focus on the positive.

After note Sept '09
The clinic actually got the results of this test wrong and I found out 4 months later that I actually have low reserves for my age. This gets better and better....

IVF anomalies

You gotta laugh.
Apparently I've failed too many IUI's and am too old to be viable at the funded unit for IVF so I get to go to the back of the line. I asked them to explain why someone without time to spare should wait longest, but I already knew the answer, it's all about stats, so I'm off to do it privately where it's that cash that counts. I'll have to get a loan and it'll make things mighty tough, but what's a girl to do?

Spent the last 24hrs comparing all of Londons IVF clinics and of course all the ones with great success rates have hideous waiting lists so I'm back to square 1, Great!

I'd love someone out there to tell me if there are any benefits of going through this hell.
Does it make you a better mother?
Or is it just one of those things?

4 down, IVF to go

The title says it all.

Though on the plus side the 'turn around' was shorter than usual, I came on 3 days before Xmas (my due day) so I was out of suicide mode by the big C - all good - besides I haven't had any time to feel sorry for myself because I'm on holiday with friends.
My advice to anyone in my situation; surround yourself constantly with a group of pals, it may drive you nuts but it's a fabulous distraction. I realise this is not possible nor do I desire it in the long term, but it sure is nice to have time out from myself .

I braved it and asked a man I adore if he would father the child for me when I do IVF. He said yes but I asked him to go away and really think about it.
I don't have an appointment till mid Jan so there's no rush to decide - apart from my dreaded dreams. Not sleep dreams but the dream of having a father for my kid and one that I truly adore. I asked him because I think he'd make an amazing dad and I'd be able to look at my kid and know that I love it's father and that feels like such an important thing to strive for. So now I'm living in 'Hope World - the sequel'. This is not just hoping to get pregnant, but now also hoping that I may have a great dad for my kid.

(2 weeks later)

He said 'no'.
He's having a difficult time and felt uncomfortable about making such a big decision.
I'm sad, but have faith that for some reason it'll be better in the end.
I allowed myself to hope and we've already established there's no place for hope on this mystery tour.
So back to Plan A.
I'm having my first IVF meeting tomorrow.

I'm back.

My 3rd insemination didn't work and now I'm onto my 4th.

I haven't written for a while as I couldn't bear to hear the sound of my own words, besides I had nothing new to say. It's been like a painful, lonesome groundhog day.
But I'm here to say, 'I'm back' - with my sense of humour - and not a minute too soon. It was a dark land.

I needed to get my head around the concept that just because life dealt me a shitty card in terms of a relationship does not mean the pay off will be that I'm going to sail through the horrendous world of trying to get pregnant alone without having to fight for my sanity. Or in other words, I got 2 shitty cards, deal with it! I have a handle on that now and as a result I'm entering back in to the real world.

This time I'm much more relaxed (I didn't cry for 24hrs which is a good start!). They told me the sperm sample was the best I've had yet and I'm being a really good girl, no drinking or smoking, no caffeine, no lifting - no life - no, I'm kidding (ish). Just for the record I rarely drink or smoke, but no caffeine and taking life easy, that's tough! I'm not imagining for a second that this will make it work as I really understand that being a good girl guarantees you nothing in this life, but it won't hurt to do the best I can. I will still get just as disappointed, and just as sad, and just as cross but what am I to do?
Keep trying - that's all.

I'll move onto IVF in Jan which is something I never wanted to do both physically and financially - obviously - who'd want to spend £5k a pop to feel like a hormonal freak?

I'm pretty sure I will get pregnant but it may take a while, so in the meanwhile I'm going to do my best not to ruin my life. I'm going to be kind to myself and not give it too much brain space. There is absolutely nothing to be done that I'm not doing.
It simply sucks and that's all there is to it, but at the end of the day all it is, is time. (And stacks of cash...).

p.s. I'm off to play on the Alps for 3 weeks, always helps!

Take 3....

Today I cried.
Very unlike me, I am not a 'cryer', but today I couldn't stop.
I cried waiting for the train.
I cried at the hospital (so much so that the nurses put me in my own waiting room because they said it wouldn't do for people to see me so upset - odd I thought.)
I cried as they did the insemination and I cried all the way home.
I want to know how my life ended up with me waiting, on my own, in a decrepit train station, going to a crumby hospital, for an insemination that probably won't work?
Lonely isn't the word, desperate seems more fitting.

Who d'you call when you fall off your bike?

I'm almost loathed to write at the moment because I feel like a moaning Minnie and no-one likes a stream of negativity less than me. But as I write this diary essentially for myself I'm going to tell it like it is.

Today it sucks!

This morning I had a nasty bike accident, I went over the handlebars and under a car because a man stepped out in the road without looking. He walked around me, sprawled on the road, shouting 'Not my fault!' without even stopping to see if I was OK. Physically I'm fine, a bit sore and bruised but horrified that there are people that low in this world. After getting myself home, I had a 5 minute self pity weep and then wanted to talk to someone, but reaching for the phone I realised I didn't want to call a girlfriend. I was really shaken up and wanted to feel protected, to have the proverbial 'arms around me'. I wanted to call a man.

Being single at my age feels so wrong. I'm devastated that my life has turned out like this and that I'm having to try for a baby alone. Nature did not intend it this way and it feels like an unbearable burden at times. If I have a baby alone and I get injured, what then?

100 times over I could have 'gotten pregnant' in my 8 year relationship but I don't believe in that kind of behaviour.
So where has my integrity got me?
I couldn't stay in fruitless relationship, I'm not prepared to forfeit being a mother and I'm 39.
I feel trapped by circumstance and I don't feel deserving of it.
What did I do to create this hell?
'Just bad luck' seems too glib an answer.

This mountain's higher than I thought..

There's no going back and the summit is higher than it looks.

Literally the moment I allowed myself to hope I felt those familiar pains.
This journey turns out to be one of the hardest things I've ever done and I'm not a stranger to struggle. A combination of wanting something SO badly and having no control, it being on my mind 24/7 and not being able to talk about it. Oh, and just for a bit of extra tension, the sound of that time clock gently ticking in the background....

As I write I realize that there are far worse things going on in the world, but as we know if you let things rattle around your brain without release you risk turning into a self-interested idiot. Hence this diary. A desire to release my madness into the world in a way that I won't bore those close to me, to death.

I think the root of the problem is that I thought it would be different for me. I thought that because I don't have fertility problems it would work quicker for me. I thought that because I seem younger than I am I'd fool my ovaries into not being almost 40.
I thought I was different, and I'm not and I don't like it.

Also I'm coming to terms with the fact that there's no respite.
I considered taking a month off just to give myself a break but I quickly understood that the discomfort of waiting a month would be equal to the stress of trying again.
I haven't lost faith in any way but I guess I'm just understanding this baby may take a while and the process is draining, depressing and expensive. All of this and with no back up, must be a good training for motherhood, no?

Note to self - stop being a miserable cow and remember the positives;
I got trashed on Friday, I'm about to have a deliciously hot bath and I'm going to a pilates class tonight, all banned whilst on the 2WW !

The audacity of hope?

Obama's in (hallelulyah) and asking us to have the audacity to hope. Meanwhile I'm doing my darnedest not to hope and it's killing me.
Things definitely feel different this time but it could be anything and I'm analysing every twinge.
I really don't want to hope but I just can't help it.
Maybe I should go with it and except the pitfalls?

Take 2

(She's in Havana and a visit is said to ensure your fertility)

After all my whining last week I ovulated on Sunday so I went for 'take 2' on Monday.
It was a totally different experience, I felt much better about the doctor that did it, she took literally 2 minutes and it was completely painless in every way.
I'm much more positive about this one, somehow it felt right.
So here I am re-entering the 2 WW but feeling so much more chilled this time.
Watch this space....

Confessions of a replicant.

Do you ever stop to wonder how many different facets there are to life, the realm of things that a stranger could be experiencing and feeling at any one moment. I don't think it's possible or desirable to do so, but the reason I ask is that I could never in my wildest dreams have imagined places I've gone, literally and emotionally, whilst on this crusade.

I'd better give some background to this rant.

I've elected to do this thing naturally, based on the fact that I'd studied my cycles and everything seemed fairly straight forward. But of course since then every cycle has been totally unpredictable and it's thrown my life into turmoil. It's looking like I'm going to ovulate on the one half day that makes it impossible for me to go for an insemination this month
i.e. ovulation Saturday pm, fertility unit shut Sunday, game over Monday. And I'm doubly frustrated as next month I'm out of town, so now I'm looking at a 10 week wait.
Suddenly this undercover hippy understands why all these women go for drugs - in a word - control.
(Yes, I'm a guilty as charged control freak, but I'll challenge anyone who claims not to be).

I'm also laughing at myself because I can hear my words, 'The wait's over, hurrah'.
How silly I am, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that whatever way you look at this project it's a catalogue of waits. Wait to get on the system, wait to get through the multitude of tests, wait to start trying, wait to see if you're pregnant, wait to try again, wait to see again, and so on till if you're lucky, the 9 month wait.....

Oh and by the way, whilst all this is going on you have to get on with your life and pretend to be a normal human being, hah, and that's the really tough part, because now you are a replicant, you're pretending to be a human but really you are just this weird woman who hasn't managed to achieve the one most basic human requirement. You look around at all the people who've done it without a 2nd thought or even by accident and you feel like a loser. At the end of the day we're animals, fancy ones maybe, but animals none the less, and the more I look the more I see that what matter are friends, family and food - 3 F's.
(There are clearly some other great F's not to be overlooked).

So this replicant wonders around with a 'Stepford Wives' smile on her face designed to cover up the obsessional thoughts that rattle around her brain. She gets on with her life but it has little meaning. She avoids her good friends because they are dangerous. They are the ones likely to notice the plastic face and challenge it. And she must not be challenged because the truth that their caring, smart, individual friend has been replaced by a self obsessed sub-human with only one topic of thought, dull to anyone but her, may be out....

So you see the problem?

Obviously I see the error of my ways and in truth, when I re-read my rant, it sounds worse than it really is. But the essence of the words are true. Of course I get joy out of life still, but it's muted. I don't think there is any way out of that, and when I speak to people that have gone through it they say the same. I have chosen this and I want this, it's just solitary and frustrating, that's all.

P.s The good news is that there's a small hope for Monday if my ovaries can just hold on!

1 down.

Even though I didn't expect it to work first time, now that it hasn't I want to pop pregnant people. Not in a horrid hurtful way, I just want them to go away like fairy liquid bubbles do when they land.

2 W W ...

Have you ever wished you could switch to an alternate universe? I have, often, and my advice is be careful what you wish for.
My sister told me last week that what got her through the minefield of 2 yrs of IVF was posting on a fertility web site. Against my better judgement I caved in and had a look at one last night.
Note 1
It’s all aimed at women in relationships having fertility problems. Fertile, single, hetro women are unrepresented.
Note 2
The site was completely unintelligible, I literally couldn't comprehend the testimonials for acronyms. I had no real desire to decipher them but one that kept recurring and bothering me was ‘2WW’. Eventually I got cross with this secret underworld and their codes and went to bed feeling like an inferior being.
As I drifted into sleep I had one of those epiphanies one sometimes has when your brain stops trying.
2WW = 2 Week Wait !
This is the name given to the alternate universe I now exist in.
It is one where you’re not allowed to smoke, booze or drink coffee. One where you can’t lift heavy weights, ingest chemical fumes or have hot baths. One where crazy things like eating pineapple cores are advised.
And all this for a 10-15% chance of being pregnant.
Adhering to all these restrictions is obviously some form of madness as under normal circumstances a ‘mother to be’ would have no idea what state she’s in at this early stage, and may well be living life as a drinking, smoking furniture removal lady having gloriously hot baths at the end of every tough day, all with no negative consequence to her future offspring.
But with knowledge comes responsibility.
Annoying, but to be fair this is all a nano price to pay.
Another symptom of this ‘2 Week World’ is that any tiny sensation felt within a 6 inch radius of ones navel is either your period about to happen or your future child implanting, depending on your mood. Again, patently a form of delusional madness that even level headed old me can’t exempt myself from.
So far I’m finding it quite amusing how the mind tricks one and I’m observing it with interest. I’m sure I won’t be quite so Zen a few cycles down the line, but that’s how it is today.

Ps I've failed to confess that I have completely redesigned my apartment in the last week and am having a new carpet fitted tomorrow. Long live distraction therapy.

Must not obsess.

The deed is done. It took 20 mins.
I wouldn't say it went smoothly, they struggled to get the tube through my cervix, which is apparently a bad sign because if the timing's right it should be open a little to allow for the egg to pass. It was also exceptionally painful, another bad sign, and I'm still sore this morning.
I laid down on the train all the way home (looking like a proper nut nut but it seemed like the obvious thing to do?) and spent the afternoon at home chilling.
Then I read on the Internet that your cervix closes after the insemination so nothing can escape thus the laying down was all in vain, but what a joy to spend the afternoon home watching DVDs.
Also for 3 days I mustn't raise my body temperature (i.e. have a hot bath) as it kills sperm. No prizes for guessing what I want more than anything in the world.
So now all I have to do is take it easy and get on with life as normal for the next fortnight....
Note to self: must not obsess, must not obsess, must not obsess, must not obsess, must not obsess, must not obsess......

Blue blistering barnacles..

My ovaries are being naughty!
After studying my cycles for the last 4 months in order to 'understand my body' (and let me tell you it's no thrilling task), it's decided to go freestyle this month. I'm secretly quite proud of it, how annoying to be completely predictable, I just kinda wish it had chosen another month.
Anyhow, I've been 'about to ovulate' for 3 days. Very strange. So I went for another ultrasound today and they've given me an injection to stimulate the egg to release. There goes my 'natural' attempt, oh well.
The good news is that after waiting for 3 days I'm over being anxious, so tomorrow 11am is D day (no.1)....