This mountain's higher than I thought..

There's no going back and the summit is higher than it looks.

Literally the moment I allowed myself to hope I felt those familiar pains.
This journey turns out to be one of the hardest things I've ever done and I'm not a stranger to struggle. A combination of wanting something SO badly and having no control, it being on my mind 24/7 and not being able to talk about it. Oh, and just for a bit of extra tension, the sound of that time clock gently ticking in the background....

As I write I realize that there are far worse things going on in the world, but as we know if you let things rattle around your brain without release you risk turning into a self-interested idiot. Hence this diary. A desire to release my madness into the world in a way that I won't bore those close to me, to death.

I think the root of the problem is that I thought it would be different for me. I thought that because I don't have fertility problems it would work quicker for me. I thought that because I seem younger than I am I'd fool my ovaries into not being almost 40.
I thought I was different, and I'm not and I don't like it.

Also I'm coming to terms with the fact that there's no respite.
I considered taking a month off just to give myself a break but I quickly understood that the discomfort of waiting a month would be equal to the stress of trying again.
I haven't lost faith in any way but I guess I'm just understanding this baby may take a while and the process is draining, depressing and expensive. All of this and with no back up, must be a good training for motherhood, no?

Note to self - stop being a miserable cow and remember the positives;
I got trashed on Friday, I'm about to have a deliciously hot bath and I'm going to a pilates class tonight, all banned whilst on the 2WW !