I'm back.

My 3rd insemination didn't work and now I'm onto my 4th.

I haven't written for a while as I couldn't bear to hear the sound of my own words, besides I had nothing new to say. It's been like a painful, lonesome groundhog day.
But I'm here to say, 'I'm back' - with my sense of humour - and not a minute too soon. It was a dark land.

I needed to get my head around the concept that just because life dealt me a shitty card in terms of a relationship does not mean the pay off will be that I'm going to sail through the horrendous world of trying to get pregnant alone without having to fight for my sanity. Or in other words, I got 2 shitty cards, deal with it! I have a handle on that now and as a result I'm entering back in to the real world.

This time I'm much more relaxed (I didn't cry for 24hrs which is a good start!). They told me the sperm sample was the best I've had yet and I'm being a really good girl, no drinking or smoking, no caffeine, no lifting - no life - no, I'm kidding (ish). Just for the record I rarely drink or smoke, but no caffeine and taking life easy, that's tough! I'm not imagining for a second that this will make it work as I really understand that being a good girl guarantees you nothing in this life, but it won't hurt to do the best I can. I will still get just as disappointed, and just as sad, and just as cross but what am I to do?
Keep trying - that's all.

I'll move onto IVF in Jan which is something I never wanted to do both physically and financially - obviously - who'd want to spend £5k a pop to feel like a hormonal freak?

I'm pretty sure I will get pregnant but it may take a while, so in the meanwhile I'm going to do my best not to ruin my life. I'm going to be kind to myself and not give it too much brain space. There is absolutely nothing to be done that I'm not doing.
It simply sucks and that's all there is to it, but at the end of the day all it is, is time. (And stacks of cash...).

p.s. I'm off to play on the Alps for 3 weeks, always helps!