Confessions of a replicant.

Do you ever stop to wonder how many different facets there are to life, the realm of things that a stranger could be experiencing and feeling at any one moment. I don't think it's possible or desirable to do so, but the reason I ask is that I could never in my wildest dreams have imagined places I've gone, literally and emotionally, whilst on this crusade.

I'd better give some background to this rant.

I've elected to do this thing naturally, based on the fact that I'd studied my cycles and everything seemed fairly straight forward. But of course since then every cycle has been totally unpredictable and it's thrown my life into turmoil. It's looking like I'm going to ovulate on the one half day that makes it impossible for me to go for an insemination this month
i.e. ovulation Saturday pm, fertility unit shut Sunday, game over Monday. And I'm doubly frustrated as next month I'm out of town, so now I'm looking at a 10 week wait.
Suddenly this undercover hippy understands why all these women go for drugs - in a word - control.
(Yes, I'm a guilty as charged control freak, but I'll challenge anyone who claims not to be).

I'm also laughing at myself because I can hear my words, 'The wait's over, hurrah'.
How silly I am, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that whatever way you look at this project it's a catalogue of waits. Wait to get on the system, wait to get through the multitude of tests, wait to start trying, wait to see if you're pregnant, wait to try again, wait to see again, and so on till if you're lucky, the 9 month wait.....

Oh and by the way, whilst all this is going on you have to get on with your life and pretend to be a normal human being, hah, and that's the really tough part, because now you are a replicant, you're pretending to be a human but really you are just this weird woman who hasn't managed to achieve the one most basic human requirement. You look around at all the people who've done it without a 2nd thought or even by accident and you feel like a loser. At the end of the day we're animals, fancy ones maybe, but animals none the less, and the more I look the more I see that what matter are friends, family and food - 3 F's.
(There are clearly some other great F's not to be overlooked).

So this replicant wonders around with a 'Stepford Wives' smile on her face designed to cover up the obsessional thoughts that rattle around her brain. She gets on with her life but it has little meaning. She avoids her good friends because they are dangerous. They are the ones likely to notice the plastic face and challenge it. And she must not be challenged because the truth that their caring, smart, individual friend has been replaced by a self obsessed sub-human with only one topic of thought, dull to anyone but her, may be out....

So you see the problem?

Obviously I see the error of my ways and in truth, when I re-read my rant, it sounds worse than it really is. But the essence of the words are true. Of course I get joy out of life still, but it's muted. I don't think there is any way out of that, and when I speak to people that have gone through it they say the same. I have chosen this and I want this, it's just solitary and frustrating, that's all.

P.s The good news is that there's a small hope for Monday if my ovaries can just hold on!