I'm back.

My 3rd insemination didn't work and now I'm onto my 4th.

I haven't written for a while as I couldn't bear to hear the sound of my own words, besides I had nothing new to say. It's been like a painful, lonesome groundhog day.
But I'm here to say, 'I'm back' - with my sense of humour - and not a minute too soon. It was a dark land.

I needed to get my head around the concept that just because life dealt me a shitty card in terms of a relationship does not mean the pay off will be that I'm going to sail through the horrendous world of trying to get pregnant alone without having to fight for my sanity. Or in other words, I got 2 shitty cards, deal with it! I have a handle on that now and as a result I'm entering back in to the real world.

This time I'm much more relaxed (I didn't cry for 24hrs which is a good start!). They told me the sperm sample was the best I've had yet and I'm being a really good girl, no drinking or smoking, no caffeine, no lifting - no life - no, I'm kidding (ish). Just for the record I rarely drink or smoke, but no caffeine and taking life easy, that's tough! I'm not imagining for a second that this will make it work as I really understand that being a good girl guarantees you nothing in this life, but it won't hurt to do the best I can. I will still get just as disappointed, and just as sad, and just as cross but what am I to do?
Keep trying - that's all.

I'll move onto IVF in Jan which is something I never wanted to do both physically and financially - obviously - who'd want to spend £5k a pop to feel like a hormonal freak?

I'm pretty sure I will get pregnant but it may take a while, so in the meanwhile I'm going to do my best not to ruin my life. I'm going to be kind to myself and not give it too much brain space. There is absolutely nothing to be done that I'm not doing.
It simply sucks and that's all there is to it, but at the end of the day all it is, is time. (And stacks of cash...).

p.s. I'm off to play on the Alps for 3 weeks, always helps!

Take 3....

Today I cried.
Very unlike me, I am not a 'cryer', but today I couldn't stop.
I cried waiting for the train.
I cried at the hospital (so much so that the nurses put me in my own waiting room because they said it wouldn't do for people to see me so upset - odd I thought.)
I cried as they did the insemination and I cried all the way home.
I want to know how my life ended up with me waiting, on my own, in a decrepit train station, going to a crumby hospital, for an insemination that probably won't work?
Lonely isn't the word, desperate seems more fitting.

Who d'you call when you fall off your bike?

I'm almost loathed to write at the moment because I feel like a moaning Minnie and no-one likes a stream of negativity less than me. But as I write this diary essentially for myself I'm going to tell it like it is.

Today it sucks!

This morning I had a nasty bike accident, I went over the handlebars and under a car because a man stepped out in the road without looking. He walked around me, sprawled on the road, shouting 'Not my fault!' without even stopping to see if I was OK. Physically I'm fine, a bit sore and bruised but horrified that there are people that low in this world. After getting myself home, I had a 5 minute self pity weep and then wanted to talk to someone, but reaching for the phone I realised I didn't want to call a girlfriend. I was really shaken up and wanted to feel protected, to have the proverbial 'arms around me'. I wanted to call a man.

Being single at my age feels so wrong. I'm devastated that my life has turned out like this and that I'm having to try for a baby alone. Nature did not intend it this way and it feels like an unbearable burden at times. If I have a baby alone and I get injured, what then?

100 times over I could have 'gotten pregnant' in my 8 year relationship but I don't believe in that kind of behaviour.
So where has my integrity got me?
I couldn't stay in fruitless relationship, I'm not prepared to forfeit being a mother and I'm 39.
I feel trapped by circumstance and I don't feel deserving of it.
What did I do to create this hell?
'Just bad luck' seems too glib an answer.

This mountain's higher than I thought..

There's no going back and the summit is higher than it looks.

Literally the moment I allowed myself to hope I felt those familiar pains.
This journey turns out to be one of the hardest things I've ever done and I'm not a stranger to struggle. A combination of wanting something SO badly and having no control, it being on my mind 24/7 and not being able to talk about it. Oh, and just for a bit of extra tension, the sound of that time clock gently ticking in the background....

As I write I realize that there are far worse things going on in the world, but as we know if you let things rattle around your brain without release you risk turning into a self-interested idiot. Hence this diary. A desire to release my madness into the world in a way that I won't bore those close to me, to death.

I think the root of the problem is that I thought it would be different for me. I thought that because I don't have fertility problems it would work quicker for me. I thought that because I seem younger than I am I'd fool my ovaries into not being almost 40.
I thought I was different, and I'm not and I don't like it.

Also I'm coming to terms with the fact that there's no respite.
I considered taking a month off just to give myself a break but I quickly understood that the discomfort of waiting a month would be equal to the stress of trying again.
I haven't lost faith in any way but I guess I'm just understanding this baby may take a while and the process is draining, depressing and expensive. All of this and with no back up, must be a good training for motherhood, no?

Note to self - stop being a miserable cow and remember the positives;
I got trashed on Friday, I'm about to have a deliciously hot bath and I'm going to a pilates class tonight, all banned whilst on the 2WW !

The audacity of hope?

Obama's in (hallelulyah) and asking us to have the audacity to hope. Meanwhile I'm doing my darnedest not to hope and it's killing me.
Things definitely feel different this time but it could be anything and I'm analysing every twinge.
I really don't want to hope but I just can't help it.
Maybe I should go with it and except the pitfalls?

Take 2

(She's in Havana and a visit is said to ensure your fertility)

After all my whining last week I ovulated on Sunday so I went for 'take 2' on Monday.
It was a totally different experience, I felt much better about the doctor that did it, she took literally 2 minutes and it was completely painless in every way.
I'm much more positive about this one, somehow it felt right.
So here I am re-entering the 2 WW but feeling so much more chilled this time.
Watch this space....

Confessions of a replicant.

Do you ever stop to wonder how many different facets there are to life, the realm of things that a stranger could be experiencing and feeling at any one moment. I don't think it's possible or desirable to do so, but the reason I ask is that I could never in my wildest dreams have imagined places I've gone, literally and emotionally, whilst on this crusade.

I'd better give some background to this rant.

I've elected to do this thing naturally, based on the fact that I'd studied my cycles and everything seemed fairly straight forward. But of course since then every cycle has been totally unpredictable and it's thrown my life into turmoil. It's looking like I'm going to ovulate on the one half day that makes it impossible for me to go for an insemination this month
i.e. ovulation Saturday pm, fertility unit shut Sunday, game over Monday. And I'm doubly frustrated as next month I'm out of town, so now I'm looking at a 10 week wait.
Suddenly this undercover hippy understands why all these women go for drugs - in a word - control.
(Yes, I'm a guilty as charged control freak, but I'll challenge anyone who claims not to be).

I'm also laughing at myself because I can hear my words, 'The wait's over, hurrah'.
How silly I am, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that whatever way you look at this project it's a catalogue of waits. Wait to get on the system, wait to get through the multitude of tests, wait to start trying, wait to see if you're pregnant, wait to try again, wait to see again, and so on till if you're lucky, the 9 month wait.....

Oh and by the way, whilst all this is going on you have to get on with your life and pretend to be a normal human being, hah, and that's the really tough part, because now you are a replicant, you're pretending to be a human but really you are just this weird woman who hasn't managed to achieve the one most basic human requirement. You look around at all the people who've done it without a 2nd thought or even by accident and you feel like a loser. At the end of the day we're animals, fancy ones maybe, but animals none the less, and the more I look the more I see that what matter are friends, family and food - 3 F's.
(There are clearly some other great F's not to be overlooked).

So this replicant wonders around with a 'Stepford Wives' smile on her face designed to cover up the obsessional thoughts that rattle around her brain. She gets on with her life but it has little meaning. She avoids her good friends because they are dangerous. They are the ones likely to notice the plastic face and challenge it. And she must not be challenged because the truth that their caring, smart, individual friend has been replaced by a self obsessed sub-human with only one topic of thought, dull to anyone but her, may be out....

So you see the problem?

Obviously I see the error of my ways and in truth, when I re-read my rant, it sounds worse than it really is. But the essence of the words are true. Of course I get joy out of life still, but it's muted. I don't think there is any way out of that, and when I speak to people that have gone through it they say the same. I have chosen this and I want this, it's just solitary and frustrating, that's all.

P.s The good news is that there's a small hope for Monday if my ovaries can just hold on!