There is light at the end of the tunnel.

After an intense time of depression and motivation analysis (personal) I gradually detect some light at the end of the tunnel.
I have moved away from 'runaway train' status and am now safely back on track and am operating from a more realistic viewpoint.
That is not to understate the great sadness I've faced in order to be able to say that.

I think it's clear to anyone that has followed this diary that I started out on this journey thinking that just because I had decided to have a baby it would happen.
Here I am a year and a half later, 4 IUI's and 3 IVF's and labelled with 'unexplained infertility'.
Having wanted a child for about 12 years I had never even entertained the notion that I would not one day have one.
4 years ago I was brutally robbed of the dream of a family.
I then reluctantly switched to the mindset that it wasn't all over and I could have a baby alone.
Now I'm faced with the possibility of never having a child at all.

At first I couldn't look at it.
It seemed like a black wall with no light around it.
I simply couldn't see a life beyond it.
I wouldn't say I considered suicide but I definitely couldn't see life beyond the black wall.
So I forced myself to look at it.
What was it that I couldn't bare?
It was the thought of a life of just me.
The loneliness.
The thought of everyone around me progressing into family life with all that it involves - and being left behind - stagnating - just me - alone.

So I want to have a baby to avoid being alone?
Sounds wrong but there is something to it.
I think if you ask any parent they will say that there is a feeling of 'completeness' about it.
That they have done what they are here to do.
But there must be another way too.
There must be other ways to find contentment in life.

I can only believe that what ever way this story pans out that this is an opportunity.
An opportunity to evolve.
That may seem like a trite thing to say but it is the only way I can go on.
And I believe it.

I was brought up without a mother and I had never addressed the damage I sustained as a result of that.
The feelings are overwhelming and insanely sad.
But for the first time in my life I am facing them.
And it is good.

Maybe it will make me a better mother.
Or maybe it will just make me a happier soul.
Whichever one, it is good.

I want my life back.

I want to live again.
I want to be part of the human race.
I want to laugh.
I want to plan.
I want to stop hurting, waiting, wanting.
I am exhausted.

You will imagine from this entry that I have failed again.
I was fine when I 1st found out last week (but I was insanely busy).
But now I am on my knees.
I spoke to my doctor last week and she said that she wants to try 1 more time and then consider stopping.
I turn 40 next week.

This was the 1st time I had entertained the concept that I may not have a child, ever.
Until now it has just been 'HOW' or 'WHEN' but now it is 'IF'.
And it it one of the most terrifying, lonely places I have been.
Just when I thought this terrible, terrible journey couldn't get any more hideous I find a new low to sink to.
The thought of having to deal with just 'me' for the next 40yrs makes me feel wretched.

I do not want to be defined by my inability to have a child and I do not want people to feel sorry for me.
Am I a big enough person not to feel sad and twisted every time another one of my friends gets pregnant?
Am I capable of finding happiness in childlessness?

I feel desperate.
I am desperate.
Everything I thought about myself is crumbling.
I thought I was strong and I am not.
I thought I could achieve whatever I put my mind to and I can't.
I thought I was fine alone and now the prospect of it terrifies me.

I just keep asking myself how I ended up here?
Why is this my road?
I wish I understood.