Hanging in and feeling strong.

- Isn't it something to think this is how we all started out? -

I completed my 4th IVF today.
That is to say, I had my embryo transfer done this afternoon.
Emotionally and physically I'm in much better shape than the previous 3 but I've learned not to have expectations.

If this is a test in the lengths a woman will go to to prepare for the making and taking of an embryo (or 4) than I'm definitely in the runnings - for months now we're talking eating well (plus no booze or caffeine!) taking supplements, Chinese herbs, acupuncture, healing and dealing with emotional demons - not to mention all the other crazy shit I've subjected myself to these past 2 years.

But as we all know, my fate is in the 'hands of the gods' and I slightly suspect that none of all this makes the blindest bit of difference other than to stop me feeling helpless (oh, and to send my bank account further into the deep, dark red).

So, let's see what the universe has for me this time.......

p.s. If anyone out there is crackers enough to have stuck with me, thank you so much and will you send me some luck?
It would be much appreciated.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

After an intense time of depression and motivation analysis (personal) I gradually detect some light at the end of the tunnel.
I have moved away from 'runaway train' status and am now safely back on track and am operating from a more realistic viewpoint.
That is not to understate the great sadness I've faced in order to be able to say that.

I think it's clear to anyone that has followed this diary that I started out on this journey thinking that just because I had decided to have a baby it would happen.
Here I am a year and a half later, 4 IUI's and 3 IVF's and labelled with 'unexplained infertility'.
Having wanted a child for about 12 years I had never even entertained the notion that I would not one day have one.
4 years ago I was brutally robbed of the dream of a family.
I then reluctantly switched to the mindset that it wasn't all over and I could have a baby alone.
Now I'm faced with the possibility of never having a child at all.

At first I couldn't look at it.
It seemed like a black wall with no light around it.
I simply couldn't see a life beyond it.
I wouldn't say I considered suicide but I definitely couldn't see life beyond the black wall.
So I forced myself to look at it.
What was it that I couldn't bare?
It was the thought of a life of just me.
The loneliness.
The thought of everyone around me progressing into family life with all that it involves - and being left behind - stagnating - just me - alone.

So I want to have a baby to avoid being alone?
Sounds wrong but there is something to it.
I think if you ask any parent they will say that there is a feeling of 'completeness' about it.
That they have done what they are here to do.
But there must be another way too.
There must be other ways to find contentment in life.

I can only believe that what ever way this story pans out that this is an opportunity.
An opportunity to evolve.
That may seem like a trite thing to say but it is the only way I can go on.
And I believe it.

I was brought up without a mother and I had never addressed the damage I sustained as a result of that.
The feelings are overwhelming and insanely sad.
But for the first time in my life I am facing them.
And it is good.

Maybe it will make me a better mother.
Or maybe it will just make me a happier soul.
Whichever one, it is good.

I want my life back.

I want to live again.
I want to be part of the human race.
I want to laugh.
I want to plan.
I want to stop hurting, waiting, wanting.
I am exhausted.

You will imagine from this entry that I have failed again.
I was fine when I 1st found out last week (but I was insanely busy).
But now I am on my knees.
I spoke to my doctor last week and she said that she wants to try 1 more time and then consider stopping.
I turn 40 next week.

This was the 1st time I had entertained the concept that I may not have a child, ever.
Until now it has just been 'HOW' or 'WHEN' but now it is 'IF'.
And it it one of the most terrifying, lonely places I have been.
Just when I thought this terrible, terrible journey couldn't get any more hideous I find a new low to sink to.
The thought of having to deal with just 'me' for the next 40yrs makes me feel wretched.

I do not want to be defined by my inability to have a child and I do not want people to feel sorry for me.
Am I a big enough person not to feel sad and twisted every time another one of my friends gets pregnant?
Am I capable of finding happiness in childlessness?

I feel desperate.
I am desperate.
Everything I thought about myself is crumbling.
I thought I was strong and I am not.
I thought I could achieve whatever I put my mind to and I can't.
I thought I was fine alone and now the prospect of it terrifies me.

I just keep asking myself how I ended up here?
Why is this my road?
I wish I understood.

Beaten into submission!

I haven't written for a while so I just re-read my blog. I find it eternally fascinating how one's view of things can change so radically in just a few months.
I believed so completely that I would be pregnant within the first few months of trying (if I'm really honest I thought I would get pregnant my 1st IUI). I guess you have to feel that way and why wouldn't I, it's generally experience that colours the canvass.

So here I am over a year later and 4 IUI's and 3 IVF's later (actually I am mid 3rd IVF).
I'm in NYC and I'm trying to think how I feel about it...

I'm more relaxed about this IVF than the previous ones (borderline numb).
I'm weary but no where close to exhausted.
I'm resigned to the fact that this has taken over my existence and I am used to it.
I am hopeful.

During my 1st IVF I was so sure I would get a strike that I was very cavalier about it.
I read no literature, I did no alternative therapies or supplements and I ate whatever I wanted.
With No.2 came a hunger for information. I did acupuncture and daily IVF meditations (very against the grain but 'no holes barred' was the motto) on top of homeopathy, hypnotherapy and colonic irrigation. Yikkk.
Round 3. This time I'm eating well but not fanatically so, I'm doing acupuncture because it feels good and I'm taking supplements because I was deficient. That's it.
I've moved clinics and this one is SO much better. I'm really chilled about the IVF. I've been beaten into some sort of submission and am grasping the concept that the universe is in control (I still think I am a little, but let's keep that our secret!).
I trust I will have a baby one day but I know now that it will happen in it's own good time.

I worked out today that I have injected a quarter of a small London flat into my stomach this year, which is a little scary, but guess what, I invested for a rainy day and here it is. I have the flat to inject and clever me for investing.

I guess I have found some purpose to this journey.
It is definitely to prepare me for being the most patient and present mother I can possibly be.
I will try never to forget how badly I wanted this child and how I fought for it.
I will give it all the love I missed.
And most relevant right now, I will try to walk this unknown road with as much fearlessness, honesty and dignity as I can muster.

And I will try to remember to laugh........

Jeez Louise...

Wow, it's been ages since I made an entry.

I went to America where my 1st IVF failed, I am now midst my 2nd attempt and currently waiting to find out if I am pregnant (the test is a week away).
The reason I haven't written in so long is that it's been pretty awful and I never feel much like sharing the bad stuff.

I have withdrawn socially and life has become pretty much a baby trail. I've tried fighting it but I can't be bothered anymore.
I'm either on drugs, going for blood tests and ultrasounds, if not undergoing retrievals (when they remove your eggs) or transfers (putting in embryos) or my personal favourite, waiting!
To be really honest, it's not that bad, I just get on with it, but for some inexplicable reason everything else takes back seat. I say inexplicable because essentially IVF takes up between 10mins on a normal day to 2hrs on a monitored day, so why should it take over ones life so completely?
That's the bit I can't understand but all I can say is I am living proof that you just seem to 'get through' the rest of your life.
I also know that I will keep going till I get a baby (unless I am categorically told there is no hope). So I'm looking at quite a sentence.
Unless of course I'm pregnant already.
But after 5 failures one can't bear to hope, yet you must hope or what chance do you have?
It's like putting your hands back in the fire when you know how it horribly it burns.
It seems so laughable now when I think back to a year ago when I thought it would be simple to get pregnant!

On a positive note IVF really isn't that bad, I don't really mind the drugs much, my body doesn't react badly to them, I actually have boobs which is fine by me, and the injecting doesn't bother me one bit. The only wretched part is the wait and at the end finding out you've failed (oh, and another $10k down the pan is never great). Going to the States is quite disruptive to my life and work but it's probably a good thing to dedicate time to it - the 1st time I did the whole procedure there which took 5 weeks in all, but this time I only went for the operations and did the drugs in the UK, so it was only 10 days away.

I don't know what to say, it feels like such a personal journey, I can't bear it when people ask questions, even though they are being caring, I just want to scream 'Believe me, if I have any news I'll tell you, don't make me say I've failed or I'm waiting, AGAIN', it's painful enough without the words of sympathy or seeing pity on peoples faces.
I know I sound like a sorry beast but I'm fine, I have no doubt that I'll get there, and one day I'll write in this diary that finally, I DID IT!

The mountain must come to Mohammed.

So much has happened since I last wrote.
I mentioned before that I'd encountered a compatibility issue with the donor I'd chosen i.e. he has a virus that I don't have.
Under normal circumstances CMV poses no problems, it manifests no symptoms and more than half the population have it. It's only important not to contract it whilst pregnant as it can cause deafness or brain damage to the baby.

So I'm back to searching for a donor.
My friends all think I've taken leave of my senses, they say (the ones with kids) that I will love my child just as much whoever the father is, that I should stop trying to control the situation and just take any old sperm. I believe them in concept as the nature of life's amazing gene pool dictates that you get what you get anyway, but I think it's funny that people are so quick to throw in their penneth without really putting themselves in my shoes (how could they?).
Would they really go into a bar with a blind fold on and grab at the 1st male that crossed their path and have a baby with him? No, I sense that they would walk in with their eyes wide open, spend a little time interviewing and go with the one with that interested them the most.
Anyway I couldn't care less what other people say.
I'm solo on this mission and I have never been surer of anything in my life.

I'm on the Internet every evening for weeks, I become depressed and furious trawling through testimonials that literally put me to sleep. It soon becomes clear that I was lucky last time to come across a donor I liked so easily.
Finally I find a guy that talks my language and I cried with relief when I heard him.

The sun shines again...but only for a heart beat...the bank isn't registered to ship to the UK, ahhhh. (Sound effect = loud screeching followed by a car hitting solid object - a wall perhaps?).
After a mini fit, I calm down and figure it out, if Mohammed can't come to the mountain, the mountain must come to Mohammed!

I've already been to to the States and found a clinic to work with and I'm lucky enough to have a place to stay there.
I will have to be away for 3 weeks and it's definitely alot more expensive than the UK but I have thrown caution to the wind and am borrowing the money.
I am not giving up, I have ways of raising the money and the time is nothing.
I am a big believer in genetics and also for fighting for what you believe in, even if it's against every odds imaginable.

So I'm off to New York in 2 weeks to start.
Bring it on....

Wow...

They say you get given what you can handle.
Mmmm....that's food for thought.
My latest obstacle is a real curve ball.
Clinic B has discovered that my donor and I are incompatible, not only that but had I gotten pregnant by him I may have had a brain damaged child.
How does one digest this information?
I feel;
1) relieved I didn't get pregnant (how the tables turn).
2) cross about clinic A's negligence and the money I spent there.
3) uninspired by the thought of having to find another donor, the guy I chose was the only 1 in 100's that I was drawn to, it's a depressing and time consuming mission.
4) amazed at what the universe has decided to throw my way.
I'm lost for words.
I long for the day I can write some good news in this ol' diary of mine.

Afterthought = actually I can - I had a AMH ovarian reserve test at clinic B and they found I'm in way better shape than they would have expected for a woman of my age, that equals time, which sure is lucky in light of the above!
Focus on the positive.

After note Sept '09
The clinic actually got the results of this test wrong and I found out 4 months later that I actually have low reserves for my age. This gets better and better....